tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39027283918127190182024-02-08T11:05:50.628+00:00To September And BeyondWhat's so funny about wanting to build a better nation?William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-40955556337522301752017-05-04T18:37:00.000+01:002017-05-04T18:37:59.047+01:00The Hubris Gang<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s unmistakable, isn’t it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The rumble of approaching engines, the acrid whiff of brimstone, the
crushing pain as a tank tread runs over your foot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Make way, peasants,
for the Conservatives’ 2017 General Election Tour of obscure village halls,
garden sheds and Wendy houses!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For your
own safety, please refrain from taking photographs, otherwise we’ll be forced
to kill you. Any journalists present should proceed to the nearest broom cupboard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have those children been security cleared,
madam?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, they’re here for the
party?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bad luck, there isn’t one, we
just said that to hoodwink the separatists. In the national interest, you
understand.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Scottish Tories are back in business:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>loud, proud and rent-a-crowd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Theresa May’s strictly-no-scrutiny roadshow
trundled into Crathes, Ruth Davidson was in her element.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lately elevated to Honorary Colonel of 32
Signal Regiment on account of her extreme shoutiness, she orchestrated the
distribution of placards with military precision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her control of the audience’s enthusiasm
wasn’t quite so complete, with some of those present looking as if they’d
rather be undergoing root canal work performed by Edward Scissorhands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, I’m sure they’ll see sense after the
laird’s henchmen have been round to tend their gladioli with a spot of
weedkiller.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Having sussed out that David Mundell is as much use as a cake-slice
in a sandstorm, Theresa’s increasingly turning to Ruth for North British
prefect duties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Need to test the
nation’s gag reflex with a clunking propaganda interview?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ruth’s got a list of happy-clappy questions. Fancy
a door-knocking exercise without risk of public challenge?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ruth’s taken everyone hostage at the village
hall, so you’re good to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Want to slander
Jean-Claude Juncker as a pished old fart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Consider it done, ma’am, just you finish your chips while Ruth gets down
and dirty with the innuendo. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the bandwagon’s rolling, Empire 2.0 is striking back and
Ruth is the Chosen One, even if half the Cabinet still thinks her surname is
Harrison. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once she’s finished
dismantling Holyrood, she can aim for any glittering prize she likes:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a high-Tory-low-IQ Westminster seat in the Home
Counties, perhaps, or a ride into glory astride the first Trident missile to
depart for Pyongyang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But before we
pesky Nats sit down, shut up and prepare to be telt, there’s one jarring wee
problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Scottish public is
notoriously intolerant of those who get too big for their boots, and right now the
Tories look like a Monty Python foot trying to squeeze into Cinderella’s
slipper.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They’re so up themselves they’ve even forgotten to pretend
their policies aren’t disgusting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you
seriously regard the “rape clause” as sensitive, you should take a look at
yourself in the mirror, unless you’re a vampire, in which case there’s no
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s the best option for
avoiding unfairness your shrivelled cerebellum can come up with, you should be lobbing
your whole tax credit policy into the bin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And if you reckon, har-de-har, the Scottish Government should be
stumping up still more cash to fix things, you should be behind bars, because
you’re running a protection racket.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The BBC’s quilted embrace can’t entirely shield the party
from public disquiet, so on a few occasions recently Ruth’s felt the need to
wrench herself away from the limelight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Fortunately, there’s been a willing stooge on hand with the mucking-out
pail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Adam Tomkins is a proper
professor, specialising in Public Law, presumably because a professorship in
Snippy Condescension wasn’t available.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
say he has a brain the size of a planet, albeit one located in a micro-universe
contained entirely within the circumference of a gnat’s scrotum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having publicly expressed a desire for an
independent Scottish republic in 2005, he continues to pursue that dream
through undercover work as a complete pain in the arse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last week Tomkins was as ubiquitous as sand in your walking
socks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At Holyrood, defending the
two-child cap, he was in full fiscal android mode. “Look at the mess Labour
left,” he bleated, as if “mess” didn’t actually mean “gigantic excuse for
wealth transfer to the obscenely rich”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you could find a hard surface to
head-butt, he was on screen again, pontificating at a food bank. “80% of
clients don’t need to make a return visit,” he proclaimed, like an arsonist feeling
chuffed because he’d only burnt your house down once. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sadly for Adam, the signs of over-exposure were already
showing when he pitched up on Radio 4’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Any
Questions</i>, where Jeane Freeman proceeded to take him apart like a chef
slicing an onion. It still seems to be available on iPlayer, schadenfreude
buffs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prepare for a treat, if Downing
Street hasn’t had it over-written with a recording of a seal barking the
National Anthem.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ruth had better hope that Adam’s deflector shields are
mended soon, for the seam of talent in the Scottish Tories runs horrendously
shallow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple of desultory scoops
with a teaspoon and you’re down to Murdo Fraser, a man as likely to be
associated with serious political thought as a Wet Wipe is to be declared a type
of fruit. Don’t get me wrong, I once
nearly bought into one of Murdo’s ideas, when as a leadership candidate he
wanted to rip up the party and start again, except that I stopped at the word
“and”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His subsequent decline, based on
a catastrophic misinterpretation of what constitutes humour, is startling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why don’t people abroad find Scotland an attractive place
to live?” snarked Murdo at First Minister’s Questions, knowing fine well he has
the power to fix that by moving to Patagonia. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Will you have the guts to resign your list
seat to fight the Borders by-election?” he tweeted at the SNP’s Paul
Wheelhouse, despite being himself a list MSP, and indeed the most unelectable big
jessie since humanity emerged from the primordial swamp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the resulting chain reaction of irony
swallows up the universe, you know who to blame.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Still, even Murdo’s a fount of wit and wisdom compared to
gaffe-prone candidate stalker Jackson Carlaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Not all tickety boo for Kirsten Oswald as her supposed campaign HQ
closed for business,” smirked the puce puffball, supplying a photie as evidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sadly, the reason for the office closure
turned out to be that the candidate was out campaigning with the First
Minister, who responded with a cheerful hoot of derision that’ll still be
bouncing about the Twittersphere when Jackson’s great-grandchildren get their
bus passes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, with all the hubris wafting about, not to mention shamelessness
and incompetence, has Scotland truly passed “peak Tory”? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You never quite know, because the most
annoying thing about absolute bastards is that they always turn out to be organised
when it counts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And some people will
vote Tory to preserve the Union even if it entails having their firstborn
devoured by wolves. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But let’s face it, these poltroons are the indy movement’s
dream team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we’d been asked two years
ago to select our ultimate opponents, we’d have hacked through a bramble hedge
with plastic cutlery to get Ruth and her Tory triumphalists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we can’t win the argument over this appalling
shower we don’t deserve to be in the game.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time to puncture those Tory revivalist balloons and send Her
Honorary Colonelship a signal she won’t forget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Game on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-3132251344639521962017-04-27T10:05:00.000+01:002017-04-27T10:10:50.762+01:00Stand By For Mayhem<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Good Morning Scotland</i>
claims another victim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t blame my
wife for banishing me to the spare room after I rudely awakened her by smashing
the radio alarm to smithereens with a wooden coat hanger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be fair, I probably just dreamed the bit
about the morning papers being reviewed by Margaret Curran, Darth Vader and the
Duke of Cumberland, but it had the acid tang of plausibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that, the real-life introduction of charisma
bypass Miles Briggs was simply the final gamma-ray blast that stripped away my
veneer of self-control.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my reflective moments, when it’s just me, a bottle of
wine and a couple of imaginary friends on the settee, I have to admit that my
anger management could do with some work. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An adrenalin turbo-charge might be useful if my
daily visit to the Co-Op were regularly bringing me face-to-face with a peckish
sabre-tooth tiger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when the trip’s
main challenge is a frantic search of the news-stand to discover where the
local arsehole has hidden today’s<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> National</i>,
it’s a myocardial infarction waiting to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Theresa May clearly has similar issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tories don’t do reflectiveness, because if
they ever peered into the abyss of their souls they’d all end up in
straitjackets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t do detail
either, as five nanoseconds in the presence of David Davis will testify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But even a cursory self-analysis, scribbled on
the bit of the Post-It note left over after she’s run out of ideas on Brexit,
would reveal Theresa to be a spanner-bag of pent-up irritation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This was true even before she drank the potion of powdered
glass mixed with vinegar and poor people’s tears served to all incoming Tory
Prime Ministers. Her policies at the Home Office were a shambolic cocktail of vindictiveness
and counter-productivity, defended with the stubborn tetchiness of a politician
who’d been absent getting porcupine quills fitted the day imagination was
handed out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their legacy is still stinking
the place out, with Highland villagers facing a 20 km round trip for a pint of
milk after the closure of their community store because the family running it is
being deported.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rules is rules, chum,
and you’re one jot short of a tittle in meeting the requirements, so you’re out
on your ear, even though nobody this side of Alpha Centauri benefits.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Left to herself, I don’t reckon Theresa would have called
the General Election.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would she have wanted
to have her ideas, in all their jaw-dropping vacuity, challenged by ordinary
people?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’d rather have had a bucket
of tepid sick emptied over her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
doesn’t fit the cover story, lapped up by the slavering sycophants of the BBC,
in which she gradually warmed to the idea during a walk in the Welsh hills,
with her hubby offering sage, owlish advice, fluffy Easter bunnies gambolling
around and a male-voice choir humming <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cwm
Rhondda</i> in the distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect
the bit that’s missing is Lynton Crosby screaming down the phone at her for two
hours.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When it comes to the dark arts, Crosby is the 100% cocoa
content guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Say what you like about the
British having no negotiating skills, whoever brokered the exchange deal with
Australia that sent hapless numpty McTernan to advise their politicians and
laser-like assassin Crosby to advise ours is a freakin’ genius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crosby’s heart may be a shrivelled walnut and
he may think scruples are devices for opening wine bottles, but he delivers the
goods, even if it means kicking down every door in the street.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Crosby immediately sussed that there was no way Theresa could
be exposed to bothersome questions from the public.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Giving innocent hairdressers from
Macclesfield a death stare for politely asking why the local hospital has no
doctors tends to give voters the heebie-jeebies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, even before the hideous screech of brakes
accompanying the General Election U-turn had died away, shadowy sources were whispering
that invitations for the PM to participate in a TV debate would receive a
two-word response with some sexual content.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead, Theresa’s been on a triumphal tour, doughnutted by
placard-carrying obsessives, taking no questions beyond Laura Kuenssberg enquiring
about her favourite colour, and sweeping away in a presidential motorcade, enveloping
crowds of energetic V-signers in exhaust fumes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At Glaxo SmithKline, in her Maidenhead constituency, the workforce who’d
been cattle-prodded in front of her were forbidden from answering media questions,
and probably even had Special Branch tailing them home in case their spouses
asked what sort of day they’d had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crosby’s
got the whole shebang exquisitely choreographed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t be surprised if Theresa has a
cyanide capsule hidden in her necklace in case a journalist accidentally
corners her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s still the problem of her debating skills being
unable to stand up to a gust of wind, so Crosby’s got her and the entire Tory
parrot choir schooled in the key soundbites. I mean, bleed’n’ell, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone</i>, even the ones who need to
follow a diagram to put their socks on. According
to the mantra, the Tories offer “strong, stable leadership”, a world-view
incompatible with sanity, unless “stable” means “thing that’s full of
horse-manure” and “strong” just refers to the smell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile, the opposition is alliteratively tagged as a
“coalition of chaos”. Well, “coalition” seems fair enough, since even if the
public chose to elect 650 Labour MPs and no-one else, Jeremy Corbyn still wouldn’t
command an overall majority. “Chaos”, however, can occasionally be creative and
has a theory attached to it, so you might be inclined to rank it ahead of the
C-words you could place after “Conservative”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cluelessness, cruelty, criminality and
catastrophe all spring to mind, and that’s just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i> the watershed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And is our media calling this guff out for the blatant kindergarten-level
manipulation it is? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oops, no, it’s set
up camp in the same part of the dictionary: compliant, collusive, contemptible
and crap. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On its jackboot wing, where
they head-butt the Caps Lock key for fun, anyone seeking to frustrate the Tories’
will is threatened with being chained up in the Tower of London or worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On its propagandist conspiracy wing, the
hotlines to well-connected liars are already smouldering like a pair of
Carmichael’s pants.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is Jeremy Corbyn doing anything to ward off this tsunami of tripe?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oops, no, he’s declared that, instead of brandishing
Theresa’s empty chair at the TV debate to show her up as a snivelling coward, he,
er, won’t bother turning up either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
swear that every time this man comes to a fork in the road, he makes absolutely
sure it hits him in the face. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are
his advisers thinking, apart from “Wonder how long it’ll take me to tunnel out
of here using this teaspoon and my bare hands?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so to Scotland, where as usual the rules seem to have
been devised under the influence of industrial-strength hallucinogens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the SNP doesn’t win 56 seats out of 59 again,
independence is a busted flush, Westminster will have us by the short and
curlies in perpetuity and Tesco can safely start ordering in stocks of British
haggis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the Tories win even one extra
seat, all of the above statements apply, plus Ruth Davidson will be formally crowned
as viceroy, with the right to take away your motability scooter whenever she
fancies it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Labour gets 59 votes,
that probably means that at least their candidates remembered to vote for
themselves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Good Morning Scotland</i>,
here’s the review of this morning’s papers, and because of time constraints
headlines from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The National</i> will once
again be broadcast in semaphore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you
hear the flags swishing over Gary Robertson’s chortling?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-59587308947568864442017-04-19T15:05:00.000+01:002017-04-20T19:52:38.559+01:00Ready Or Not...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Now is not the time to return to blogging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m just buried with paperwork right now,
doing lots of good deeds vaguely associated with living in the early days of a
better nation, and emphatically not sitting in an armchair eating baked beans
direct from the tin and binge-watching old <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Countdown</i>
episodes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My counsellor says that’s all
in the past.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Nor, however, is it the time to be frogmarched to the
polling booth to indulge a poisonous right-wing cabal’s power fantasies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">another</i>
bloody vote?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bridge of Earn Village Hall
will be charging us rent soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Including
a Cooncil by-election, that’ll be eight visits to the polls since we moved back
to Scotland less than four years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s as many visits as I had in 15 years of living in Maidenhead,
studiously body-swerving Theresa on the odd occasions she chose to bore her
constituents to stupefaction in the High Street.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I suppose, looking back, it wasn’t the time last June for
Scotland to be wheeched out of the EU as if we’d drawn the short straw on
United Airlines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nor was it the time in
November for the laughably misnamed “free” world to have a fickle
tantrum-throwing six-year-old narcissist elected to its self-proclaimed
leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nor, when the seemingly
inevitable thermonuclear holocaust envelops us, will it be the time to be
kissing my arse goodbye as the Faslane fallout floats across from Forgandenny.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So here I am, reporting for duty, feeling like it’s the
first day of Primary 7 and I’m outdoors in my rugby kit, the wind whipping icy
javelins of drizzle into my cheeks, dreading the moment someone throws me the
ball and I get pounded so far into the turf that my atoms fuse with the earth’s
crust.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve been away so long it’s like a whole new induction
course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So much information to process. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Ruth Davidson and Kim Jong Un – how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> you tell them apart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does the surname “Torrance” really mean
“rivers of pish”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is Glenn Campbell’s
resemblance to one of James Kelly’s haemorrhoids coincidental?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How long can Murdo Fraser go on telling jokes
before someone laughs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is worse, listening
to Annie Wells or being repeatedly thwacked in the face with a wet lavvy brush?</div>
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<br /></div>
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At least there are some familiar sights and sounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie Bird is still on the telly, so I’ve
signed up for another course of hypnotherapy to stop me spray-painting “LIAR”
all over the screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kezia Dugdale,
expertly tutored by George Foulkes in the art of irrelevance, is still getting
an inordinate amount of airtime, sounding increasingly like a hearing aid on
the blink. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ditto John “Professor
Branestawm” Curtice, seemingly the only life-form in the galaxy qualified to recite
the bleedin’ obvious about voter intentions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Meanwhile, Willie Rennie continues to amaze medical experts by holding
down a job in front-line politics, despite having his brain replaced by a
Tunnock’s teacake in 1983. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Meanwhile, there are the questions, always the damn brainless
questions, fizzing with hostility, white noise searing the eardrums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What currency will you use?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The poond? The pibroch? The Eck? The babybox?
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which way will the Queen’s head face on
your stamps?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What will the forty-fifth
word on page 69 of your constitution be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What pension will my unborn grandchild be paid in 2088?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Won’t the United Nations declare you a pariah
state?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How will you defend yourselves against
invasion by Klingons?</div>
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<br /></div>
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And, of course, you have to smile benignly and take it, because
any other reaction will be slammed as “Cybernat Abuse” and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daily Mail</i> goons will be legally entitled to rake through your
bins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unionist foghorns can proclaim
that you’re a saboteur to be crushed, or a frothing extremist just a couple of doors along from the Nazis, and everyone from the Queen on down will purr in contented
approval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you dare to re-tweet something
with the word “wank” in it, the faux outrage police will be all over you like
chicken pox, the pillars of civilisation will cave in and the jaws of Hell will
clank shut on us all.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Here we go again, more Nat grievances,” intone the usual suspects,
surreptitiously feeding copies of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
National</i> into a giant shredder. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Yeah,
whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally, I think my
grievances have a justification so gargantuan it possesses its own
gravitational field, but I’m just a brainwashed, poorly-educated cult member,
so what do I know?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, resistance may be futile, or it may turn out to be the
spark that ignites the conflagration that reduces the Empire 2.0 mentality to a
heap of smouldering ash, but we may as well have some fun while we’re about
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll already have noted that the
ol’ sense of humour is rustier than a cheese grater left out in the rain, but
stick with it and we might have a few laughs along the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, even if we don’t, it’ll be more
therapeutic than radio silence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So now is not the time to return to blogging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there isn’t going to be any better time,
so let the good times roll.</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-31546112102028674452016-07-19T18:29:00.001+01:002016-07-19T18:29:36.845+01:00The Queen of Maybe<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Didn’t Theresa May’s inaugural speech last week warm the
cockles of your heart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or perhaps that
was acid reflux.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, it was a
timely warning that, no matter what back-stabbing chaos may temporarily afflict
the Tory Establishment, you can never underestimate their ability to switch
effortlessly back into people-shafting mode.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Not that you’d necessarily have picked that up from Theresa’s
language, which was so touchy-feely it bordered on harassment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking her words at face value, you’d almost
have expected her to appoint John McDonnell as Chancellor, with Florence
Nightingale in charge of Health and the Dalai Lama as Home Secretary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who wouldn’t follow that honeyed voice to the
sunlit uplands of the brave new future, pausing only for a group hug before
leaping over the Brexit precipice in the sure knowledge we’d sprout life-preserving
angel wings?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Of course, it’s the oldest trick in the book for incoming
Tory overlords.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might call it the “reverse
Ronseal”: the art of spouting screeds of high-falutin’ blurb from your policy
tin before going gleefully on to do the exact opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maggie Thatcher was an early exponent, with
her St Francis of Assisi tommy-rot, which conspicuously failed to mention “Where
there is industry, may we bring a wasteland” and “Where there is community, may
we bring isolated pockets of despair”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tony
Blair, the party’s most celebrated undercover agent, glad-handed his way into
Downing Street to the strain of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Things
Can Only Get Better</i>, which was true only for his property portfolio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in 2010, in a historic moment for the
vampire community, the key phrase was delivered by George Osborne, whose “We’re
all in this together” was a bare-faced admission of guilt dressed up as
solidarity.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, despite the tug of my genes and life experience, I don’t
wish to be a cynical old scrote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">juuuust</i> conceivable that, despite having
21 years in the first-class carriage of the gravy train, a pension scheme
devised by a fairy godmother and a City high-flier hubby wheeling a monthly
king’s ransom home in a barrow, Theresa truly appreciates what it’s like to
struggle to get by, knock your pan in around the clock and still be only a gnat’s
ba’-hair away from rent arrears.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps her thoughts on the topic are scribbled on a Post-It
Note, headed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ordinary Humans - Key Features</i>,
somewhere in the depths of her paperwork. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They sure haven’t shown up anywhere in her political
choices, statements and actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead, as part of the Cameron coterie, she voted, with not a jot of queasiness,
for policies that brought us the Bedroom Tax, Gradgrind economics and a million
extra foodbank clients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Home
Secretary she was about as authoritarian as you can get without actually
donning jackboots, and if she ever helped struggling families it was by giving
them a taxi ride and police escort to the airport.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose you can’t really blame Theresa and her mates for
the charade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, how would it
sound if they chose to be honest?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hi,
we’re Tories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re drowning, we’ll
throw you a rubber ring packed with bricks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you’re managing to stay afloat, we’ll empty a bucket of piranha fish
into the pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In so far as we tolerate
your existence at all, it’s because it amuses us to watch our sociopathic
fat-cat chums rip you off at every turn.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I digress. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For indy-inclined
Scots, sitting transfixed with horror as the wall-to-wall coverage juddered on,
the key point in the speech actually arose earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bearing in mind the UK government’s
discombobulation over Scotland’s reaction to Brexit, it came as no surprise
when, only three paragraphs in, Theresa tipped a bowl of cereal over our heads
with her eulogy to the precious, preciousss bond that is the Union. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Between waves of nausea we pictured David Mundell’s wee
tail wagging so energetically you could dip it in paint and undercoat the shed
in thirty seconds flat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Ruthie Tank
Commander, Theresa’s principal adviser on photo-ops for Thatcher-wannabes, proudly
polishing her Privy Councillor prefect’s badge and dreaming of promotion to
Westminster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, in a dank little editing
suite at Pacific Quay, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reporting Scotland</i>
team moaning ecstatically and having to go for a lie doon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Theresa’s preoccupation with The Constitutional Question was
signalled even more blatantly a couple of days later, when she body-swerved a
COBRA meeting about events in Nice to materialise on Nicola Sturgeon’s doorstep
at Bute House.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She couldn’t have got
there faster if those red shoes had been Ferrari roller-skates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I know, I shouldn’t define a female
politician by her fashion choices, but, hey, we all slagged off Cameron for
wearing a pig’s head as a sporran, so I’m simply being even-handed.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All leave was cancelled at the BBC’s mistranslation department,
as staff swung into action to garble Nicola’s nuanced position, keeping all
options firmly on the table, into “Ah’ve got a veto, so youse English basturts
are stuffed!” Andrew Marr’s Twitter hit squad surpassed themselves by pumping
out one lie, repeating it in a correction, then replacing both of them with a dollop
of cloth-eared speculation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meanwhile, Gordon
Brewer’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sunday Politics Scotland</i> conversation
with Nicola continued his one-man project of failing to comprehend anything he’s
told, however simple, and blaming it on the interviewee. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The more events develop, the more obvious it becomes that,
on the squeaky-sphincter spectrum, the UK Establishment has moved well beyond “Occasional Embarrassing Toot”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The level of anger in
Scotland after last night’s Trident debate, when Theresa’s mask slipped and she
went full Cruella De Vil on us, should keep their intestinal gases bubbling
away nicely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when Nicola’s finished
with them, it’s a fair bet that those Establishment sphincters will be playing “Flight
of the Bumble Bee” all day and all night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you’re thinking of entering the dry-cleaning business, go
for it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You couldn’t have picked a
better time.<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-45939593344513345392016-07-12T01:04:00.000+01:002016-07-12T01:04:48.650+01:00Did I Miss Much?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So here I am, back at the keyboard, nervous as hell. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite an absence of (ahem ahem) months the study
doesn’t look too bad, as long as you’re a fan of the “Miss Havisham” style of
interior decoration, and the cobwebs do help to keep the dust in place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple of squirts of Oust, and the removal
with tongs of a decaying cheese sandwich morsel, and I’m ready to hit the
blogging trail once again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who’d have imagined, when I wrote my last piece, that even the
Chilcot Report would be published before I cranked out the next one?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally I’d defend such a hiatus by
explaining how I filled it with good deeds and humanitarian work, but Tony
Blair’s boak-inducing press conference has cornered the market in whey-faced
narcissism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Best simply to admit the
truth: sometimes a guy just needs a break in order to clear the gunk out of his
head and stop shouting “Arsehole!” at the TV every time Glenn Campbell lumbers into
view.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I probably just need a strong coffee, but at this early
stage in my creative rehab the challenge of topical commentary seems more
daunting than ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Previously, I could
write a blog post over a couple of days and pimp it for a week on Twitter
before it started to curl at the edges and smell of pee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, even if I chunter it out as if
commentating on the Grand National, within half an hour all the main characters
will have resigned, been knifed in the back, decided to spend more time with
their drinks cabinet or been knee-capped by the Murdoch press, and nobody will
remember who the hell they were. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing’s been the same since, with an embarrassing squelchy
sound out of one of the ropier Carry On films, I had my EU citizenship ripped
away against my will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever since then,
we’ve all been trapped aboard a speeding handcart, with half the occupants jubilantly
belting out <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Highway To Hell</i> at the
tops of their voices, the rest of us bricking it and nobody at the damn
controls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh wait, suddenly our imperial
masters have seen fit to advise us that there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> a driver, but it’s Theresa May, who last time I looked was the
answer to the question, “Which Prime Minister will dynamite our human rights
and deport that nice Polish couple who run the village shop?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As if a rigged economic system and cringingly compliant
media weren’t enough for the Tories, they currently have another ace up their
expensively-tailored sleeves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter
how catastrophically they bugger things up, you can bet your commemorative “Controls
On Immigration” mug that the Labour Party will discover an ingenious way of out-buggering
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Boris’s craven whimperings, Mikey Gove’s self-impaling
assassination attempt, Andrea What’s-‘er-Name’s uterus fixation and the general
sense of disengaged drift represented a clear open goal for Her Majesty’s Opposition.
In reaction, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">quelle surprise</i>, they
burst the ball with one of the corner flags, tried to beat the team captain to
a pulp with the other three and bared their arses in front of their supporters
before heading off to set fire to the dressing room. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As English Labour members’ jaws clanked to the
floor, it was an act of superhuman self-control for Scots to resist saying, “We
told you so.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The spearhead of the Parliamentary Labour Party’s mass V-sign
to party members, and useful idiot of expectantly lurking darker forces, has
been Angela Eagle. As <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Springwatch</i>
aficionados will know, an eagle is clear-sighted, decisive and deadly, but
perhaps Angela’s twin sister Maria was the happy recipient of those genes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By contrast, Angela’s campaign, at least up
till yesterday, seemed to be channelling a vacillating Merseyside version of
Elmer Fudd: “I’m going to get that Jeremy if he doesn’t resign, so I am, as
soon as I’ve finished that big shop at Asda, and creosoted that garden fence,
and those bathroom tiles aren’t going to grout themselves.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she finally drew herself up to her full
three feet eight inches and threw down the gauntlet with a resounding pffffft,
it was too late:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BBC2 had already faded
her out in favour of in-house adverts, and Peston, Crick and wide-mouthed frog
Kuenssberg had legged it across town to watch Andrea Thingummyjig stand down for
“the good of the nation”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All this chaos has, of course, put the spotlight firmly back
on the question of Scottish independence. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Nicola’s been doing some impressive shuttle diplomacy,
which the agonised squeaks of the Unionist gutter press confirm has been going
down a storm with her European audience. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alyn Smith has also lit a fire amongst his
fellow MEPs, a clear sign that Scotland’s stance is a zillion miles from Farage’s
smirky adolescent triumphalism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
even from those in Brussels who wish Scotland nothing but love, kisses and
eternal chocolate treats (not to mention Rajoy, who wouldn’t piss on us if we
were on fire) the message is that a halfway-house arrangement won’t work, and
that if we’re to be welcomed into the EU fold we need to make a distinct break
from the UK.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Assuming Theresa’s jolly-hockeysticks “let’s make Brexit
work” approach entails the UK activating Article 50 before the last night of
the Proms, we have a really short horizon - and a gargantuan challenge - to
convince the doubters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s lovely to hear
all the anecdotal evidence of No voters gravitating to Yes, but sorry, folks, I
don’t buy it for a nanosecond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wizard as
it is to contemplate J K Rowling crossing the divide, with 666 libel lawyers
doing a screechy handbrake turn and concentrating their venom on Brian Spanner,
it all sounds like the Unionist commentariat softening us up for a kick in the
goolies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are soft No votes to be won, possibly enough to take
us over the line, but it would be daft to be complacent and, anyway, we need to
go much further than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to see
the case for self-governance established to the satisfaction of the most
sceptical voter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if my 90-year-old
dad, who thinks Nicola’s a wee besom, doesn’t accompany me to George Square for
the next rally, I’d like him at least to be heating a pizza and pouring a
sherry for me when I get back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can we
achieve that? Hell, yes – if we do the background work and get it right!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Interesting times, as I’m sure Confucius would agree, even
if he wasn’t actually the source of the phrase. And a good time to be back on the
blogging scene.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See you again soon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Honest!</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-24982194367595203142016-02-01T12:51:00.000+00:002016-02-01T13:56:31.081+00:00The Joy of Blogs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/tAFD9ePIivI/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tAFD9ePIivI?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
Don't worry, folks, there'll be a new piece up here shortly, just as soon as it's been cleared by my solicitors. In the meantime, here's a short film from the amazing Phantom Power, celebrating the craft of blogging and remembering the halcyon days, just a week ago, when you could write the truth without all hell breaking loose.<br />
<br />
It also features <a href="https://mewsingoutloud.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Simone Charlesworth</a>, <a href="http://robertsomynne.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Robert Somynne</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/KirstyStricklan" target="_blank">Kirsty Strickland</a>, who talk considerable amounts of good sense interspersed with some inconsequential burble from an auld bloke in an armchair. Enjoy!<br />
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-49054846658388990342016-01-19T16:34:00.000+00:002016-03-22T12:03:03.436+00:00To a Macaroni Pie<br />
<i>Politics has been a bit fraught this week, and I'm sure you need another how-you-should-vote article like a hedgehog needs a steamroller, so I thought I'd give everyone a nice break. Happily, this accords with my long-standing policy of being a snivelling coward, so it's a win all round.</i><br />
<br />
<i>It's Burns season, so here's another wee pastiche. I present it in the spirit of peace, love and understanding, so those losers at the Forfar Bridie People's Front had better not accuse me of hectoring or organise someone to slag me off in the National. And who knows what the Deep Fried Mars Bar Cult will think of it? They probably don't know themselves, not yet having had their instructions from Central Control. God, it's a minefield out there.</i><br />
<u><br /></u>
<u><b>To a Macaroni Pie</b></u><br />
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Fair fa’
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Great
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Ye staun
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Steak, Mince
or Mutton</div>
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Sworn foe of
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<br /></div>
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Behind the
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Ye stand in
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Proud pasta
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Wi’ milky
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His lunch
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Until your
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Like lava
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Wi’
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A banquet
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Each maun be
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The eve of a
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That’s no’
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Is there
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An’ mingin’
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Regards this
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Wi’ stern
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<br /></div>
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Poor
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Life holds
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Ye Powers
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And keep
them healthy, fit and rude</div>
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Auld
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That maks
her bony</div>
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But one
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Baked
Macaroni!</div>
<b>
</b><i> </i>William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-77171958420352414822016-01-04T11:43:00.000+00:002016-01-04T11:43:58.924+00:00A Good New Year<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
How was New Year for you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did you sing shang-a-lang and run with the gang, zimmer frame and
allergy to Jackie Bird permitting?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps
you favoured Elaine C Smith’s 1970s sitting room, first-footed by the Sturgeons
to the fizzing, popping accompaniment of apoplectic Unionists? Or did you actually
get up off your bahookie and hit the streets, stripping the world’s most
humungous willow on the Royal Mile or toasting marshmallows in the warm glow of
a burning hotel?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wherever you were when the bells sounded, I hope 2016 will
be a good year for you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I happily declare
these good wishes universal, in the spirit of free prescriptions and bus travel
for over-60s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I accept the
inevitability of some recipients being complete ratbags.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it’s too complicated to tart up my blog
with a login screen involving a mind probe or, for Willie Rennie’s benefit, a
tricky piece of colouring in, so what else can I do?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Maybe, in the time-honoured tradition of sleekit
politicians, I should hastily qualify the meaning of “good”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re a Labour, Tory or Lib Dem looking
forward to the Holyrood election, may your party come comfortably in the top
six. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re David Cameron, may you
always be where you belong, in the company of swine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re Tony Blair, may your cell in The
Hague have good-quality wallpaper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
if you’re Alistair Carmichael, may justice constantly follow in your footsteps. Oh, one wee suggestion for that last one:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>any chance we could replace the word
“justice” with “an incontinent seagull”?</div>
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<br /></div>
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You’ll probably have some New Year resolutions sorted out,
perhaps chiselled embarrassingly on a piece of stone in your back garden. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In case you haven’t, the pinhead patricians of
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Country Life </i>have come up with a spiffing
idea: “Clean For The Queen”, encouraging the UK’s peasant classes to pick up their
damn litter as a special 90<sup>th</sup> birthday present for Her Majesty,
rather than as part of the intrinsic self-respect of a sovereign people.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, I’m no fan of litter, despite the state of my study suggesting
that I love it so much I keep bringing it home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Whenever I feel my curmudgeonly powers fading, a weary glimpse of the
M90’s besplattered grass verges is enough to get me snarling impotently again. If
there’s a grown-up anti-littering campaign happening, only my innate politeness
(oh, all right then, my fat-arsed laziness) stops me barging to the front of
the queue, bin bag and tongs at the ready.</div>
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<br />
But even public relations superstar Boyd Tunnock wouldn’t be
addle-brained enough to portray tidying the place up as a royal forelock-tugging
exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Maj ain’t exactly short of
diamond-encrusted J-cloths and won’t notice any difference anyway, since she
hasn’t been allowed to see a speck of dirt since 1936 and thinks the world
smells of disinfectant. The likeliest thing it’ll motivate the serfs to do is
organise a fleet of muck-spreaders to undertake a spray-fest at Sandringham. Jings,
just when you reckon the UK Establishment’s finally plumbed the depths of
idiocy, another couple of marbles trundle lazily out of its ear…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never mind, class, here’s another off-the-peg resolution for
us all to sign up to: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we must stop using
the #SNPBad hashtag, because it makes Unionist bampots cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the Boxing Day brainchild of Magnus
Gardham, a grayscale photocopy of the Rev I M Jolly who occupies space in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Herald</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It contributes to an infantilised political
culture,” said Magnus, the guy who once smeared John Nicolson for owning a
flat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The imperial press corps may not have many original ideas,
but it sure can spot a bandwagon hirpling creakily around the hillside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No sooner had Gardham’s brain-burp rippled
across the interweb than several other commentators were coming out in sympathy.
“It’s outrageous that we’re not taken seriously when we hold the SNP to
account,” they whined, failing to observe that hashtag hilarity was actually a
sane and measured response to their pusillanimous pish.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“But hang on,” interjected some pro-Indy essayists who,
unlike simple-minded comedy bloggers, actually comprehend nuance. “Isn’t there
a real point here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t shouting
#SNPBad just being glib and stifling debate?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, I’d be careful conceding too much ground to the forces of darkness,
or before you know it they’ll be using your rib-cage as a glockenspiel, but I’d
acknowledge that on occasion some folks have taken it a wee bit far. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, that just means we need to keep a sense
of proportion, not that we have to accept every piece of outrageous SNP-bashing
burble-parp with a pat on the head and a concerned expression.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the end, some things are so risible that you just have to
laugh heartily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe our resolution for
2016 should be to relax and do a great deal more chuckling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Medical experts say it’s life-enhancing and I
don’t reckon there’s going to be any shortage of material.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-10194904792145254102015-12-24T11:36:00.000+00:002015-12-24T23:05:59.631+00:00Everybody's Plans for Christmas 2015<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Hey there, online stalkers!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Fancy a sneaky glimpse into the seasonal activities of the “so-called” great
and good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They don’t just disappear
because we stop giving a tinker’s cuss about them for 24 hours, you know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, with thanks to Mr Capaldi for the loan of his Tardis,
let’s zip across the timeline and see what everybody’s planning to get up to
once they’ve finished unwrapping Santa’s goodies…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Alistair Carmichael
MP (oh, how that appellation grates) </b>will take delivery of 365 pairs of flame-retardant
underpants, which should last him a whole year as long as he only speaks once a
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say, he’ll add the cost
to his legal fees claim, itemised as “briefs”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Kezia Dugdale </b>will
spend the day gazing at the Forth Road Bridge, wearing her disappointed face.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Derek McKay MSP, </b>the
SNP’s Mr Fixit, will travel throughout the land on Cloud Nine, mending
potholes, fixing faulty boilers, replacing slates on storm-damaged roofs and,
most importantly, arranging some bloody interview training for his SNP colleagues.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Gary Robertson</b>,
whose pre-Christmas <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Good Morning Scotland</i>
conversation with Derek is destined to be an online classic, will spend the day
spitting rivets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an ironic twist, the
folk working on the Forth Road Bridge will find these extremely helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Merry Christmas, Gary!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">David Torrance </b>will
publish a new unauthorised biographical work, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Derek McKay: My Part In His Downfall</i>, written in the space of 20
minutes and based on Wikipedia, a couple of random Tweets and the advice of a gypsy
crone. The Waterstones price of “we’ll give you 50p to take the damn thing away”
will ensure a few sales, albeit mostly in households where one table leg is
shorter than the other three. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Donald Trump</b> will
launch his personal brand of eau de cologne, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Trump Mist</i>, produced by bottling his farts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll then order a drone strike on Trumpton
for image rights theft and disassociate himself from Nellie the Elephant on the
grounds that she’s a “stoopid broad”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally,
as his approval ratings soar higher than Jackie Bird’s left eyebrow, he’ll hurl
insults at the crew of the International Space Station because he’s run out of
targets on Earth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">John Swinney </b>will
find a 5p piece in his Christmas pudding and miraculously use it to dual the
A9, put fairy lights on the Queensferry Crossing and get started on an oil
fund.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jackie Baillie</b>
will swallow the 5p and claim that by not spending it on any of the Swinney
items she somehow has 10p, which can be used to offset George Osborne’s
non-existent tax credit clawbacks, end world hunger, fund a mission to Mars and
still leave enough to buy five magic beans.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Willie Rennie </b>will
call for an enquiry after he breaks his tooth on the 5p in his Christmas
pudding, his greetin’ face turns all the satsumas sour and the joke in his
cracker turns out to be a final demand for £800,000 from Police Scotland.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tricia Marwick, Holyrood’s
Presiding Officer, </b>will delightedly unwrap a brand new light-sabre sent by
the makers of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Wars</i>, who have witnessed
her numpty-skewering powers with awe and want to offer her a part in the next
movie as a galactic referee.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">James Kelly MSP</b>
will consolidate his reputation as the worst player of Musical Chairs in the
history of the human race.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His excuse of
being unable to sit down because he can’t find his arse with both hands will,
as usual, fail to impress the panel of 6-year-old judges.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">David Cameron’s </b>present
of a boar’s head sporran will be the talk of Chipping Norton.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Eleanor Bradford</b>,
BBC Scotland’s medical misery correspondent, will discreetly insert a shedload
of laxatives into Christmas dinner at Glasgow’s Super-Duper-Hospital.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jeremy Corbyn </b>will
ruin the whole occasion no matter what he does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If he doesn’t issue a festive message he’ll be cancelling Christmas, and
if he does he’ll be behaving like flaming Royalty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he puts on a Santa outfit he’ll be
brazenly wearing the Red Flag and offering something for nothing, and if he
doesn’t he’ll be a humourless wonk who enjoys crushing little children’s dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he protests to IPSO he’ll be a gutless
coward, and if they find in his favour the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sun</i>
will print a retraction so tiny that bacteria can trample it underfoot.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Blairite conspirators
</b>in the Parliamentary Labour Party will exchange anti-Corbyn messages hidden
in mince pies and look forward to the day when they can knife Jeremy in the
front, back, side and soles of his feet, before relaunching Labour as the
acronym Tony always intended it to be: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Loosely Assembled Bunch Of Unprincipled
Ratbags.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Iain Duncan Smith </b>will
feel an eerie chill gnawing at the fabric of his being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But don’t worry, he’ll just throw another
benefits claimant on the fire.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Iain Gray MSP</b>
will gaze at the array of dog biscuits on the shelves of his local Morrison’s,
wondering if they do them in Golden Retriever flavour.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Alex Salmond, </b>bored
with simply walking across Strichen Lake, will turn it into wine and serve it
to his Christmas Day guests.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Herald</i></b>,
egged on by the Scotch Whisky Association, will concoct a slavering SNPBad headline
accusing him of breaching European free trade regulations.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Lawson Carjack MSP, </b>the
Scottish Tories’ answer to Anton du Beke, will promote the lost art of dancing
by inviting <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ruth Davidson</b> to join
him in a seasonal military two-step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unfortunately, in a fit of over-enthusiasm about the “military” part,
she’ll turn up in a tank and accidentally flatten him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll be rushed to Glasgow’s Super-Duper
Hospital, where the “Bradford special” Christmas dinner will give him a massive
case of diahorrea. This, despite his injuries, will keep him dancing all night
long.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Nicola Sturgeon</b>
will spend the day kicking ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey,
it’s what she does – why should Christmas be any different?<br />
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-5768825871197851162015-12-09T21:54:00.000+00:002015-12-09T22:32:58.292+00:00Bullshit 1, Justice 0<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Although the future is unknowable, I can offer Whining Willie
Rennie at least one guarantee: he and his morally vacuous mince-cluster of Lib
Dems will be given a comprehensive seeing-to at the 2016 Holyrood
elections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That apart, it remains to be
seen exactly what the fallout from today’s “he’s a lying scumbag, but that’s actually
legal, so shut it, Nats” Carmichael court decision will be. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what the heck, let’s give it a go.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As BBC Cringeland marks the outcome with its traditional
parade of whey-faced Unionist chortlers, and the rest of us are left resisting
the temptation to go out and uproot lamp-posts with our teeth, the immediate
priority is clear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must support the
Orkney Four, monstered at the start of proceedings as vexatious politically
motivated agitators, and now facing the prospect of the same tedious
spittle-gauntlet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if
Carmichael’s smear, and his subsequent lie, weren’t “politically motivated”,
and the “political” nature of that lie wasn’t the essence of his beetroot-faced
defence!</div>
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<br /></div>
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More pressingly, stupendous as the Four’s crowd-funding total
may look, if Carmichael is awarded costs they still stand to lose everything,
including in one case the ability to pursue a career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That justice is denied to ordinary folk by being
so far out of their price range that it’s visible only to the Hubble telescope is
a disgrace, and a reminder that after independence the hard work will just be starting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For now, whatever it takes, even the
equivalent of two Wings crowd-funders in one outrageous go, we simply can’t
allow the Four to go under.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Moral victories may be as much fun as a rub-down with
caustic soda, but the quartet really do need to be commended for having the
initiative to bring this case, and the fortitude, staying power and downright
cojones to see it through. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As sages such
as Lallands Peat Worrier always warned, the legal task they faced was
equivalent to attempting the world pole vault record using a garden rake. </div>
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<br />
In the event, they established, officially and on the
record, that Carmichael lied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
forced him to display, for all the world to see, what a mediocre, evasive,
self-serving scrote he is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That the
world will doubtless turn a blind eye simply illustrates how pin-headed that
world can be, and that they failed only to prove that lying was an offence
under the Representation of the People Act just shows that the law couldn’t be
more of an ass if it were offering rides on Millport Beach.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If this were fitba’, it would be like leading 2-0 after
playing the other team off the park for 89 minutes, only to have both goals
chalked off and a last-minute penalty awarded against you because of an arcane
FIFA rule about half-time pies being insufficiently hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may not be an Establishment fix, but it’s
a brain-contorting legal travesty.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Justice may yet be served by a Parliamentary Standards
enquiry, in the sense that my nine-year-old niece may one day be the first
woman on Mars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it shouldn’t even
come to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Carmichael were a
sensitive human being instead of a self-important fart cushion, he’d
unobtrusively take the Chiltern Hundreds and bog off to Patagonia for five
years’ rehabilitation as a goat-herder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No such luck. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As long
as he doesn’t make the mistake of standing in another election, he’s all set to
hop back aboard that well-known choo-choo, gravy-guzzling pail in hand and smug
how-jammy-am-I-mammy grin on his face. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could there be a nice furry cloak in his
future, even though sane people wouldn’t even recommend him for membership of
the Tufty Club?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a world where Alistair
Darling and Gordon Brown, the Laurel and Hardy of the indyref campaign, slide
effortlessly into sinecures in the high-powered financial shafting sector, and
wee Dougie Alexander becomes Bono’s personal sanctimony adviser, surely
anything is possible.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, any chance of a teaspoonful of contrition from
Carmichael amongst the Desmond-style inundation of self-exculpatory guff?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope, thanks for asking, folks, but hard
luck.<br />
<br />
“I’ve been vindicated,” orates the
puffball, when the word he should have used is “vindictive”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It was all a plot by the Nationalists,” he asserts,
as if he’s on the shortlist for an Iain Duncan Smith Victim-Blaming Mendacity
Award. “Scottish politics since the referendum has been so polarised,” he
whines, when he’s the one who made a pole arise, somewhat forcefully, up the
back passage of democracy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, hey, what do you expect now that smearing and lying has
been enshrined in law as acceptable behaviour?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Enjoy the temporary gloat, Unionist scoffers who made a meal out of our “grumpiness”
this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day very soon, one of
these bastards will be doing the same to you.<br />
<br />
<i>If you'd like to donate to the Orkney Four fund-raiser, you can access it <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-people-versus-carmichael#/" target="_blank">here.</a></i><br />
<i> </i> <br />
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-66393958545551037782015-11-24T14:30:00.002+00:002015-11-24T14:30:53.311+00:00Note From the Management<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Apologies, readers, for the radio silence of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Long-time followers will be aware that this
happens from time to time:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get heavily
involved in other stuff, and it takes more and more of my time until I can
hardly think straight, let alone blog anything worth reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So here we are again!</div>
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<br /></div>
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With things now beginning to ease off, I expect to be back
in harness on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">To September And Beyond </i>at
the beginning of December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Vow, which
at least can’t be less credible than the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daily
Record</i> version, is to produce shorter posts on a more frequent basis, which
may help me avoid running into the buffers again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, where the subject matter demands it,
maybe there’ll be the odd post that doesn’t have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">quite</i> so many jokes in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(If the brilliant Frankie Boyle can do it….)</div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway, please do stay tuned, and in the meantime enjoy the
hell out of the aforementioned Mr Boyle, Wee Ginger Dug, Peat Worrier, Bateman
and the many others who make the new media the effervescent joy it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll see you soon.</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-72515483333406405552015-10-25T11:06:00.000+00:002015-10-25T11:06:15.264+00:00Xi<i>There's always been one thing missing from the world of state visits: the yearning tones of Charles Aznavour. Last week David Cameron finally put that right.</i><br />
<br />
Xi may be the face I can't forget<br />
Disgrace the voters will regret<br />
When people notice what a price they have to pay<br />
<br />
Xi may be the Queen's new special friend<br />
Inward investment without end<br />
And, since it's best not to offend<br />
I must be careful what I say<br />
<br />
Xi may build a flagship nuclear plant<br />
Or an obscene white elephant<br />
On terms that mean your household budgets feel the heat<br />
<br />
Xi may prove a costly man to please<br />
Renewables are on their knees<br />
Because we've slashed their subsidies<br />
To keep him sweet<br />
<br />
Xi, whose reputation can't be seen to fail<br />
Whose enemies are swiftly thrown in jail<br />
No-one's allowed to hear their shrill protest<br />
<br />
Xi, who if you wave a 'Free Tibet' placard<br />
Deploys his goons to hit you good and hard<br />
That's the leadership I love the best<br />
<br />
Xi may dump his bargain-basement steel<br />
While Cambuslang and Scunthorpe squeal<br />
Without a pang of sorrow anyone can see<br />
<br />
Me, I'll take his piles of tainted cash<br />
For all my pervy chums to stash<br />
While you lot face austerity<br />
My sugar daddy will be<br />
Xi<br />
<br />
<br />William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-71156195017126777262015-10-17T23:32:00.000+01:002015-10-17T23:32:57.245+01:00The Wicked Witch of Edinburgh West<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mibbe she’s guilty,</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Legally or morally,</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or mibbe she’s no’.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thought you might like a summary of the Michelle Thomson
affair in haiku form.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just for a
teensy-weensy bit of variation after the media’s non-stop drone assault of the
last three weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, I knew they were
biased, but I didn’t suspect they’d try to bore us into submission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they realise the latest YouGov poll is
screaming at them that this approach isn’t working, or is there a longer-term
plan to dissolve our brains with repetitive drivel?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gary Robertson, who’d be a baby-faced assassin if he weren’t
two syllables short, was the latest to crank the well-worn handle on Friday morning.
With SNP membership at its highest ever (despite, in shock news for UKOK zoomer
Adam Tomkins, other parties being available), the conference buzzing and feisty
delegates limbering up to tweak the leadership’s nose on land reform, Gaz still
managed to waste 40% of his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Good Morning
Scotland</i> interview with Nicola Sturgeon on what she knew about Thomson,
when she knew it and why she endorsed her instead of melting her with a death
stare.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hi, Gary, welcome back to the remedial class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the following words have more than
one syllable, so this may hurt a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bit of background to start with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As you may have spotted, Jockistan’s temerity in electing 56 fewer
Unionist stooges than its cereal-packet instructions dictated has set the
Establishment’s hackles bristling like a giant lavvy brush.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such is the panic that GCHQ has invoked the emergency
“National Anthem protocol”, demanding that sedition be hushed and rebellious
Scots crushed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately Fluffy
Mundell is a piss-poor substitute for Marshal Wade, unless the intention is to
bleat us all to death, so step forward Plan B:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>discredit the SNP at all costs, before those uppity North Brits banjax
everything by giving them a second majority in Holyrood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Accordingly, an informal cabal of Unionist ne’er-do-wells
has spent the summer rummaging through the SNP’s bins, nostrils twitching at
anything with weapons-grade whiff potential.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, here’s a wee question. How did it take them a gobsmacking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">four months</i> to come up with anything on
Michelle Thomson, whom the Ashley Madison smearette, reading between the lines,
had already identified as someone with serious enemies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Either the witch-hunters have the brains of a chipolata, or
Ms Thomson’s alleged wrongdoing wasn’t as flamin’ obvious at selection time as
some unctuous castigators of the SNP’s candidate vetting procedures would have
you believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Yes, I refer to Jackie
Baillie, who if hypocritical bollocks could drive a turbine would
single-handedly revolutionise Scotland’s renewables prospects overnight.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In that light, it’s overwhelmingly likely that all Nicola
knew about Michelle when she endorsed her was that she was prominent in
Business for Scotland, ran a property company and, since she didn’t come across
as a complete numpty, was probably aiming to make profits. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Furthermore, ladies and gentlemen of the
trial-by-media lynch mob, it remains possible that Ms Thomson herself wouldn’t
have gone beyond that assessment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll
search in vain on her LinkedIn profile for anything that says, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Wicked Witch of the West, cackling hoarsely
as she dances through the ruins of gullible householders’ dreams”.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As to whether she, or indeed anyone, broke the law, I don’t
have a scooby, and nor does grinning Gary or sanctimonious space-hopper
Jackie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in truth, the last thing
the baying mob wants is for her to be found guilty of a crime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would introduce certainty, always a bugger
for those who profit from chaos, and after the obligatory flash-fire of
embarrassment Nicola would simply push her under a fleet of buses packed with
children singing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jesus Wants Me for a
Sunbeam</i> and the SNP would step gaily into the healing process.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The morality issue, now the main focus of opposition
chuntering, is harder to pin down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s largely because of the guff-riddled smokescreen the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Herald</i> has been farting out on a daily
basis, in pusillanimous attempts to tarnish Business for Scotland, Ivan McKee,
the Law Society and just about any SNP figure who’s ever bought a house that’s
subsequently risen in value. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Herald</i>
has been skating tipsily on the edge for years, but this collapse into
bampottery is hair-raising even by its lamentable standards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did Michelle once wheedle Magnus Gardham into
accepting 50p and a book of luncheon vouchers for a maisonette she subsequently
flogged to Donald Trump for a million? You honestly have to wonder.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems clear that the Thomson strategy included picking up
bargains from mortgage-throttled home owners desperate to chuck it in and start
again. You could argue that that's a vital component of the financial eco-system,
and profit margins visible from outer space simply reflect the balance of risk
and reward, but it’s a difficult case to make without sounding ever so
slightly like an automaton. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>What if the
SNP, driven by enough of its 114,121 consciences, were to propose radical
reform of said financial eco-system? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would
Michelle blithely vote for that, then invite all her chums round to toast
marshmallows in the flames enveloping their business model?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the other hand, it’s odd that Michelle’s alleged
“victims” spent five years somehow failing to notice they’d been ripped off,
before the media’s serpentine whispers gave them a crash course in
disgruntlement. And, if she’s so patently guilty, why did her accusers need to sex
up the evidence against her by taking some vaguely aspirational froth from her company
web site and wrenching it mercilessly out of context until she looked like
Cruella de Ville’s twisted sister?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
Ruth Davidson goes into full indignation mode at First Minister’s Questions, with
a face like fizz, it’s a dead giveaway that the underlying argument is pish.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps the SNP should take it as a compliment that they’re being
held to such high standards by Labour, who have just ennobled a convicted
pyromaniac, and the Tories, who still employ double-dealing shape-shifter Grant
Shapps in a senior role, and the Lib Dems, who’ve got not only the over-promoted
buffoon Carmichael, but a gallery of grotesque weirdos going back to Jeremy
Thorpe and beyond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Michelle, scandale,
sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So the smearathon grinds inexorably on, with truth and due process lying
dazed in the gutter, wondering what’s just clobbered them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile the world turns, and the voters yawn, scratch
their nether parts and continue waiting patiently for May 2016, when they’ll
vote the way they’ve been planning to all along.<br />
<br />
</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-34175223565178476152015-09-28T18:38:00.000+01:002015-09-28T18:40:06.740+01:00A Song for Volkswagen<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><i>If Dionne Warwick were on her way to San Jose, and looking for directions, I wonder if she'd be driving a Volkswagen?</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you know the way to prove you’re “green”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Though all your cars emit</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Poisonous shit that’s quite obscene?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you know the way to beat the rest?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve got a cool device</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Churning out lies to pass the test</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the folks who drive our wagons</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Put a hundred down and fill the tank</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leaving us laughing all the way to the bank</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They believe their motor’s running clear</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there’s no doubt that all about</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They’re stinking out the atmosphere</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve won praise for fighting climate change</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though our output</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does not compute – now ain’t that strange?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With anomalies the data’s rife</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Making sure things look fab</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When in the lab, unlike real life</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Competition’s such a rat race</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loads of smart technicians everywhere</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you stick to the truth you don’t have a prayer</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Only losers prize integrity</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But if you’re bold, the fibs you’ve told </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will make shareholders squeal with glee</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you heard? We’ve made the headline news</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s not the worst part yet: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The internet has blown a fuse</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone blew the whistle on our game</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blabbed to the EPA</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who, sad to say, got all inflamed</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now our shares are in the toilet</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Horrified investors going nuts</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Contemplate nasty things they’ll do with our guts</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lawyers with smart lifestyles to sustain</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With one accord</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Say “Praise the Lord!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And promptly order in champagne</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s the news of Martin Winterkorn?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe,
woe, woe, woe, woe</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does he curse the day that he was born?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe,
woe, woe, woe, woe</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you think we might escape some blame</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe,
woe, woe, woe, woe</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If everyone’s been doing the bleedin’ same?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe,
woe, woe, woe, woe….</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whoa.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-59841388144082197782015-09-27T11:35:00.000+01:002015-09-27T11:35:15.798+01:00The Initiation Game<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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Welcome to the latest edition of the incredible disappearing
blog, which has developed a habit of spewing a bunch of joke-laden paragraphs
into the atmosphere every few weeks before vanishing faster than Volkswagen’s
credibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wish I could work out why
that keeps happening, and I’m in charge of the bloody thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the Chilcot Enquiry were ever looking for
a typist with strong experience in making intricate paper-clip shapes and staring
glaikitly out of the window, I’d be a shoo-in.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh well, at least I don’t crowd-fund or solicit donations, so
I needn’t contemplate a visit from the Fraud Squad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s only reputational damage I’ll suffer, and
what better time to bury the bad news of my own snivelling shortcomings than now, after a week when the nation’s been forced to widen its definition of “pork
scratching” to include “occupational hazard for priapic posh boys”?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s difficult to comment intelligently on Dave’s alleged
choice of willy-warmer, except that the mouth of a live piranha might have been
more beneficial for the gene pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
suppose Ashcroft and Cameron’s subsequent face-slapping fandango did offer high
blood pressure sufferers a nice relaxing belly-laugh. Otherwise, the whole
thing was an unedifying spat between an unelected tax exile who believes he should
stroll into a juicy government job and an over-privileged, two-faced nyaff whose
toolkit for humanitarian issues is a calculator and ten miles of barbed wire. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That, laydeez an’ gennelmen, is the pinnacle
of public life in present-day Yew Kay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thanks for voting, suckers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lurid snippets such as the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Call Me Dave</i> piggery-jokery are often a distraction from some
darker sleight-of-hand, but the UK Government already has Jeremy Corbyn for
that purpose, so this looks like a genuine elbow in the kidneys for Cameron.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the Tories starting to get itchycoos in
their Y-fronts about the EU referendum, it may just be the opening salvo in an
eye-gouging, feather-spitting leadership rammy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So let’s see: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>which nasty-party
luminary enjoyed a suspiciously high-profile week, with the added benefit of
being miles away from the mayhem?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Step forward, George Osborne, who spent the week noisily sooking
up to the Chinese government and looking as smug as he possibly could without
his head melting, revelling in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">frisson</i>
of rubbing shoulders with truly world-class human rights abusers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re both big countries,” he said, as his incredulous
hosts checked down the back of the sofa to see where we’d hidden the other 1.3
billion people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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It transpired that China’s reward for meeting George’s exacting
standards of corporate bastardy was to be given the keys to Hinkley Point, the
UK’s white elephant Chernobyl tribute act, at a price so sweet it would vaporise
granite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As George knew, this was tantamount
to burning £20 notes in front of folk who’d just had their renewals subsidies yanked
away, but in his world of quantitative sleazing that was simply icing on the
cake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In similar vein, following his
pimping of track-laying contracts for HS2, Scottish taxpayers will be able to
send personal cheques directly to Beijing in return for commemorative gift
boxes filled with thin air.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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All of this gave Jeremy Corbyn some pre-conference respite
from public scrutiny, although the term “respite” is only relative. That he was
able to select a Shadow Cabinet at all was a surprise, with so many candidates suddenly
realising the need to spend the next four-and-a-half years with their families,
consultancy work, neocon think tanks or a giant sick bag. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the end he assembled a team noted for its convictions,
which is why it contains not only tax-raisers, but several eyebrow-raisers and,
in one bizarre case, a fire-raiser.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Team Corbyn might have gone down a storm on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tales of the Unexpected</i>, but in the
walnut-hearted world of BBC News its reception was considerably harsher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a politics show went by without some nondescript
Labour figure being asked, “Can you really see indiscreet, innumerate
terrorism-supporting Maoist John McDonnell as Chancellor?” or “Is the vegan
shadow DEFRA minister who thinks meat eaters should be strung up by their
goolies insane, incompetent or both?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Strangely, Labour Spin Central didn’t appear to have prepared
any of the interviewees for these questions, or perhaps – more worryingly for
the bearded wonder – <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they’d actually
prepared them very well indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
standard response seemed to be a puzzled expression, followed by a pause of
exactly the right length to indicate “God, what can I say that isn’t embarrassing?”,
and finally a smiley, Gallic-shruggy variation on the theme of “Well, that’s what
Jeremy’s decided, so screw hi…. er, I mean, there it is.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Jeremy’s now also had bags of undisturbed time to memorise <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Queen’s Greatest Hits </i>before prostrating
himself abjectly in front of his monarch as a prerequisite of joining the Privy
Council, which normal practice demands he’s invited to do despite being the
greatest danger to national security since the Napoleonic Wars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he goes ahead with the ceremony, no doubt
he’ll be pilloried for the seeming collapse of his principles, but why single
him out? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicola’s done it, Eck’s done
it, and Angus Robertson looks set to do it, because that’s the way things work
here in Ruritania.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s anachronistic and humiliating, but you’ve got to look
at the big picture, haven’t you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the
plus side, you get the key to the Establishment washroom, where Cabinet
ministers bottle the smell of their farts as eau de Cologne. And you never know,
you may get advance notice of GCHQ’s latest hand-me-down Marvel Comics fantasy bulletins
from the CIA, and understand just why extra-judicial killing of our citizens is
essential to the fabric of civilisation and a totally groovy idea.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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On the negative side, it may involve a lot of listening to
Her Majesty sitting there purring while your dreams are squashed like grapes,
because they’re not how we do things, old chap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, let’s face it, allegiance to the Crown is one thing, but outright
obeisance is a bit of a blank cheque.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While
you’re on your knees burbling eternal fealty, she could command you to do
anything, and you’d have to go along with it or look a right plonker, wouldn’t
you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if she suddenly brought out a dead pig’s
head and threw you a knowing glance?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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You may think the Piers Gaveston Society is a shower of debauched
upper-class yobs, but it turns out they’re a secret training camp for getting on in the Establishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bet it’s only a matter of time before Dave’s
preaching to us all on the telly, swearing that shagging dead porkers is The
Right Thing To Do.<br />
<br />
</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-7360013416941720942015-08-23T18:04:00.000+01:002015-08-23T18:04:40.846+01:00Kezurrection Shuffle<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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Supplying useful information isn’t part of “Labour values”,
so it’s hard to be sure how many people actually voted in the Scottish Branch
Office Leadership Contest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the
percentage result suggests that, after abstentions and ruthless purging of sandal-wearing
Trotskyists, it must have been at least 100. That would be 72 for serial
sideline-carper Kezia Dugdale, 27 for beige bloke in an empty suit Ken
Macintosh, and one spoilt ballot: probably Johann Lamont scrawling “WHAT DOES
IT MATTER ANYWAY?” on her voting slip in green felt-tip.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But let’s not worry about numbers, as Treasury staff always
used to say when squirting air-freshener over Gordy Broon’s latest PFI
contract. It’s a brand new start for Scottish Labour!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kezia’s youthful Vim will – we assure voters
– instantly remove lingering Irn Bru stains. We’re down but not out!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at how we slapped around those chapatis at
the Shadow Cabinet photo-op;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that’ll be
you soon, electorate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more negative
campaigning!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s goodbye “SNP Bad”,
hello “SNP Bad, Except When We Pretend We Thought of Their Policies First”. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The usual social media commentators, burbling with
enthusiasm, assure us that “Kez has no baggage”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hang on, folks; your doe-eyed fervour warms
my heart, but didn’t she represent 50% of the most disastrous leadership team
in the party’s history? That’s a bit more than “baggage”, that’s “a lorryload
of bulging suitcases blocking out the sun”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And as for that glitzy new pine-fresh Shadow Cabinet, I know
she only has 37 other MSPs available, so it’s less a pool of talent than a
spittoon, but hasn’t she chosen pretty well the same shower of 24-carat berks who’ve
been bumping into the furniture since records began?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apart from Neil Findlay, of course, who’s
been dispatched through the gunk-tank trapdoor as punishment for backing a Head
Office candidate who supports social justice and not blowing up half of
Scotland.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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To give Kezia some credit for innovation, this isn’t a
Shadow Cabinet in the traditional sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Rather than precisely matching their SNP counterparts’ portfolios, SLab’s
deckchair dozen propose to adopt a “cloud of midges” formation, attacking from
all sorts of unexpected directions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’ll
be an engaging mixture of aspiration and incompetence, like a pub team trying
to play Total Football. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To fit in with
this system, rumour has it that whinger-in-chief Jackie Baillie will have a special
“owl extension” fitted to her neck to enable her to spout claptrap through a
full 360 degrees without moving her feet.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It would be churlish to write off Kezia’s chances of making
a success of her new job. She’s already come a long way, having survived the
early experience of working for George Foulkes, which must be like having your
brains scooped out with a melon-baller and replaced with cushion stuffing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her First Minister’s Questions performances
may still be an uneasy compromise between the fatuity of Iain Gray and the
milk-turning sarcasm of JoLa, but at least she’s learning to smile in TV
interviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, it’s still a bit
unnatural, as if smiling’s the final item in a long mental checklist, just
after “Did I leave the gas on?”, but she can do it perfectly well in selfies,
so there’s hope for her.</div>
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<br /></div>
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BBC Scotland, or “downtrodden victims of Putinesque
intimidation” in the words of the Gospel According To Nick Robinson, will
naturally lend “Kez” every assistance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Look out for Eleanor Bradford hole-punching thousands of bedpans in a
hospital near you shortly, in preparation for this winter’s NHS “Rivers of Pee”
crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Less welcome may be the support, so far mercifully confined
to print, of the increasingly bizarre Adviser from Hell, John McTernan. With
the BBC inexplicably fawning over his laughable punditry, he’s at present otherwise
occupied, but reports suggest he can show up on the doorstep looking for work within
45 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he does, I’d advise Kezia
to distract him with a pile of juicy postal votes, and then blooter
him with a dull heavy object, such as James Kelly.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kezia does have one advantage not enjoyed by her
predecessors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Short of packing all her
MSPs into a bus and driving it over a cliff, there’s no mistake she can make
that won’t be overshadowed by the jaw-dropping catastrophe enveloping UK
Labour, or, as they must henceforth be known, the “Thanks for the £3, Entryists,
Now Piss Off” Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dear God, I haven’t
seen this much self-inflicted damage since a drunken Edward Scissorhands poured
itching powder into his Y-fronts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
worth a wee blog post of its very own, if I can find a painkiller strong enough
for my aching sides.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The corresponding disadvantage for Kezia is that she’s in
limbo. Who knows what sort of Head Office she’ll be dealing with in six months’
time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will it be a Corbynista Politburo,
commending her on her impressive five-year plan for the re-use of
paperclips?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will it be a Coodall/Kenham/Burper
appeasement operation, urging her to clear her speeches in advance with Ruth
Davidson?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will it be nothing to do with
her any more, because all her colleagues have joined a breakaway Scottish party
led by Alex Rowley and she’s having to apply for a job as chief tour guide at
Dismaland? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, opportunity or obscurity – always the two faces of a
career in politics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, good luck,
Kezia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve already chosen my progressive
party for the 2016 Holyrood election, and it ain’t yours, but the SNP could do
with decent opposition somewhere along the line, and your gender-balanced
search for fresh faces - as long as they’re truly fresh, and not just a skipload
of Westminster rejects - doesn’t seem a bad way to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Yes, that is a polite way of saying, “Yer
current lot are rubbish.”)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey, maybe the newbies might even feel inclined to take a
more ambitious stance on devolution, or (gasp) be warmer towards the idea of
independence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now wouldn’t that be
something?<br />
<br />
</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-64242167536817624052015-07-24T20:36:00.000+01:002015-07-24T20:36:27.797+01:00We'll Keep the White Flag Flying Here<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Is there any situation imaginable that wouldn’t be made
worse by the sudden appearance of Tony Blair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“A war crimes tribunal in the Hague?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nice try, caller, but I did say “imaginable”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, sadly, “public reading of the blistering
conclusions of the Chilcot report” seems destined to fail on similar grounds.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Personally, if I were leaping from the upper storey of a
burning building and had to choose whether to land in a blanket held by Tony
and his cronies or in a tankful of piranha, I’d opt for the Fishfood Belly-Flop
every time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, with support
mushrooming for Jeremy Corbyn’s wacky Communist pipe-dream that the economy
should be run fairly, these are desperate days for Labour’s “Let’s Elect an
Unprincipled Automaton” wing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
suddenly, with timing as subtle as a sackful of rivets, there was Tony on our
TV screens, all teeth, smarm and shamelessness, his tan reinforced by years of basking
in the toasty warmth of Satan’s farts, burbling on at £200 a second about how
easy it is to succeed in politics if you don’t give a rat’s ass about
collateral damage.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If your heart’s with Corbyn, get a heart transplant,”
quipped Tony, confident that no one would be daft enough to ask him to be a
donor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in truth, the heart had
already been ripped out of any party members who’d naively thought politics was
about helping people rather than tactical pissing about, as they watched 184 of
their MPs abstain on the Tories’ Welfare Bill and then pour scorn and bile on
the 48 colleagues who actually bothered to do their job.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, in the spirit-sapping world of Labour linguistics,
nothing’s ever that straightforward. “We voted against the Bill, that’s clear!”
pontificated Ian Murray to the BBC Scotland audience, without challenge from
his thumb-sucking interviewer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What he
really meant was that they’d voted for their own lily-livered amendment that
said, “Wow, George, we think your Welfare Bill is totes economic wizardry, but
we’re a bit worried about plunging children into poverty, since we’d prefer
them to be dipped in it smoothly, kind of like a cheese fondue.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it came to the vote their supporters
actually cared about, they simply shoved their hands in their pockets and
mumbled, “Whatever.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For Ian, it was a signature piece of clever-dick politics, no
doubt earning a high-five from incompetent career-destroying spin guru John
McTernan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These days, with the endorphin
rush of truth surging round the Internet, it’s impossible to cloak Labour’s
disintegration entirely. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, for doe-eyed
branch office wannabes Kez ’n’ Ken, any tattered Wet Wipe shoring up the party’s
credibility in Scotland is welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, who wants their pretendy wee leadership contest ending up as a 0-0 draw
and having to be settled on penalties?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Acting leader Harriet Harman, who should simply have “DISAPPOINTMENT”
tattooed on her forehead and be done with it, was more upfront about the
party’s objectives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lesson of the election,
she insisted, was that there were a lot of Tory voters out there, so that was clearly
the market to target. To hell with the 9,347,304 people who’d voted Labour (an
8.6% increase over 2010, even after being marmalised in Scotland).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From now on, the way forward was to pander relentlessly
to the Tories! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, capitulation is an interesting political strategy, and
I suppose it gives your policy wonks a break from straining their pointy heads about
social justice. However, I’m not sure it’s as effective in practice as it
sounds over Chardonnay and canapés at a Notting Hill soirée.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fat lot of good it did Ed Balls when he let
it slip before the election that he didn’t have a Scooby what he’d do
differently from Osborne.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, if voters
can’t escape having their lives made miserable, wouldn’t they prefer to be
shafted by experts rather than by some shambolic tribute act?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“We need strong leadership,” opined Andy Burnham, the morning
after going through such contortions over the Welfare Bill that he’d ended up
with one foot jammed firmly in his mouth and the other back-heeling him in the
arse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>It seems that Andy has a massive problem
with vacillation, although he's not fully aware of it because he thinks it’s a jag
you have before going on holiday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As for
gravitas, he thinks that’s a salmon delicacy from Scandinavia.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“It’s a complete mess,” acknowledged Yvette Cooper,
searching her hard drive for her “concerned face” app while sticking resolutely
to her game plan (it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> just a game
plan, isn’t it?) of saying nothing whatsoever about what she’d do to fix it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yvette’s long been recognised as the most
accomplished politician in her household, but with the children growing up fast
and Tiddles the cat showing signs of promise, who knows how long that’ll last?</div>
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<br /></div>
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“People don’t trust us with their money and they don’t trust
us on welfare,” observed Liz Kendall, although one suspects her answer to the
problem is for people to have less of both. Once a “pointless answer” on a TV
quiz show, Liz is now fulfilling the same role in the leadership election. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless, of course, Labour members have a
burning desire to be yanked catastrophically off course by Priti Patel’s more
right-wing twin. </div>
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<br /></div>
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As party stalwarts’ eyes drift glumly from Monday night’s
reputational wreckage to the three “mainstream” candidates aiming to preside over the party's 2020 gubbing, it’s easy to understand why they might fancy giving Jeremy
Corbyn a shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He clearly has a soul
rather than a motherboard, he energises people rather than making them want to
beat their heads in with a spanner, he embodies lasting values rather than fly-by-night
focus group fads, and if Keir Hardie walked into the room he could look him in
the eye without his soul shrivelling up like a bin bag in a furnace.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There may also be some, if they haven’t already turned their
shredded party membership cards into cat litter, who hope that at age 66,
with his career mostly behind him and nothing to lose, Corbyn will have a crack
at challenging Labour’s lumpen acceptance of austerity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would make for an interesting tussle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m no economist, though in a fading light I
could just about pass for Paul Krugman, but a dogma that constantly shovels
cash at the wealthy while squeezing the poorest and destroying public services does
look suspiciously like a heist to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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But that very hope points to the reason Corbyn will never
be allowed to lead:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he’ll bugger up too
many vested interests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Project Fear’s
familiar drone is already audible in the background: he’ll be a disaster,
no-one will work with him, if you elect him we’ll organise a preposterous coup and
dump him in a skip, the Queen won’t have him in the Privy Council, ooh he’s got
a beard and probably sandals, we’ll be forced into farm collectives and gulags,
Labour will be out of power until the Klingons invade from Kepler 452b, we’ll
all de-evolve into cavemen or (worse) nationalists…</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aye, right.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know what sort of leader Corbyn would make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve never seen him in any front-bench post,
so he might be a brilliant innovator, or he might be fifty shades of rubbish. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, boy, has it been fun watching the
multi-coloured Tory establishment bricking it this week, and anticipating the
mayhem to come. For that, Jeremy, however your campaign pans out, much thanks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And remember, if it goes completely pear-shaped for you and
those of like mind, Nicola and Team 56 will always be up for a Progressive
Alliance…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-55634538146823836852015-07-09T23:05:00.000+01:002015-07-09T23:05:40.678+01:00Team 56's Baptism of Fire<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The Palace of Westminster is crumbling, in an image that
lazy-arse writers have voted their all-time favourite download from <a href="http://www.bleedinobviousmetaphors.com/">www.bleedinobviousmetaphors.com</a>.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BBC News observes that the building’s “full
of dangerous relics that need to be removed”, no surprise to anyone who’s ever listened
to Baron Foulkes of Cumnock, and certain quadrangles are off-limits in case
members are knocked skelly by plummeting gargoyles, though in David Mundell’s
case it might prove to be performance-enhancing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s no respite indoors, where working conditions
resemble a Health and Safety film directed by Quentin Tarantino.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any paint that isn’t peeling is probably held
in place by asbestos, and hopping aboard one of the death-trap lifts isn’t
recommended unless you have in your possession a good book, a giant tin-opener or
the skills of Harry Houdini. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
In 2012
Labour MP Ben Bradshaw had to complain to the authorities about urine pouring
through the ceiling into his office, in the only known example of the
trickle-down effect actually working. And in the hopelessly tangled spaghetti-world
of the catacombs, no-one can be quite sure which wires are safe to touch and
which will make you smokin’-hot favourite in a Lisa Simpson lookalike contest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though Guy Fawkes long ago entered the worm-feeding
business, there’s still a hit-squad of slavering pyromaniacs a mere phone call
away in Lewes, so there’s an easy solution to this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it would be worth it just to see the look
on preposterous arch-fogey Jacob Rees-Mogg’s face. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But such a radical step is anathema to most of our
parliamentarians, particularly if they hold shares in cowboy builders specialising
in restoring fairy palaces at vast expense. So, instead, we’re in for a
refurbishment on traditional British lines:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>insanely over-priced, teeth-grindingly protracted, immune to challenge
and lavishly funded by the taxpayer as benefits claimants huddle in cardboard
boxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and one important characteristic
you might term the “HS2 Factor”:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of absolutely
zero discernible value to Scotland.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the cartoon cavalcade to which Scottish voters sent
“Team 56” back in May, and we should scarcely be surprised that since those
halcyon days of chip butties, selfies and Ruritanian claptrap the going’s got considerably
more difficult for them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They soon got
the hang of reacting to events like livestock rather than human beings, despite
lacking the authenticity instilled by centuries of inbreeding in the Tory
shires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, they’ve occasionally
struggled with the art of “bobbing” to catch the Speaker’s eye, possibly
because (1) they’re a bit far away and dead unlucky, (2) the wee nyaff’s
operating an English-slots-for-English-bobs policy, or (3) you simply can’t
develop proper haemorrhoids until you’ve sat on the Commons benches for six
months.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve had some cracking maiden speeches, a sequence of words
I never thought I’d type, gathering a YouTube following that must make
contemptible barfbags such as Alistair Carmichael puce with envy. Hey, Al, maybe
we’ll enjoy a maiden speech by the new MP for Orkney and Shetland soon, whaddya
reckon?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the debit side, the SNP contingent has had to endure several
Tory stink bombs, such as Anna Soubry popping up at Scottish Questions as
operator of the Mundell glove-puppet. Now, I know better than to venture an
opinion on whether Anna is a woman, but she’s indisputably one of the most
irritating people on the planet: snarky, arrogant, pompous and an inveterate
whipper-out of the victim card if anyone dares to respond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d challenge the Dalai Lama himself to spend
more than ten minutes in her company without slamming her head into the nearest
gong.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dammit, I can’t pussy-foot around any more!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As everyone in the galaxy knows, the issue dominating
the political agenda, and fully occupying Team 56’s waking hours in the last
two months, has been the Scotland Bill. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dear
God, only the absinthe drinkers amongst us thought Full Fiscal Autonomy was immediately
achievable, and after this year’s Higher Maths exam we’re used to being stymied
by large numbers, but this was carnage on an unforeseen scale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The braying hordes were determined to let <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing </i>through, not even the weeniest,
most innocuous amendment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Could Police Scotland be excused VAT, like every other polis
force on these islands?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NO, came the
booming riposte; get in your place, peasants, here’s a bowl of Coco Pops and two
swishes of the riding crop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could the
Scots Parliament be acknowledged as, ooh I don’t know… (consults first five
words of the Vow)… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">permanent</i>? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NO, suck it up, colonials, get too uppity and you’ll
wake up to find Holyrood encased in a giant bin bag. Could we make Scottish MPs
into second-class citizens?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yes yes yes</i>, that’s not even up for
debate, let’s just insert “North British people are stupid and they smell” into
Standing Orders and get on with shafting the poor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know it’s the Westminster convention that turning up to participate
in debates is somehow weird and pathetic, and that “proper” MPs should be hanging
around street corners, pimping themselves for £5,000 a day consultancy work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But how soul-destroying it must have been for
the SNP 56 to fight their corner day after day, watching tumbleweed trundle
lazily across the Tory and Labour benches, only for their opponents to materialise
at the last moment to vote everything down, like yobboes barging in after a
night on the razz and stubbing out their fags on the carpet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I sincerely hope that Ian “Red White and Blue Full Body Tattoo”
Murray, the Shadow One-Man-Band, does a better job of fighting austerity (or, if
anyone bar Jeremy Corbyn takes over at Head Office, “promoting austerity-lite”) than
he did of respecting Scottish aspirations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Honestly, if you asked that guy about making the Forth Bridge a World
Heritage Site, he’d hum and haw about pooling and sharing tourism and how we
should appoint a Commission to decide whether a bus shelter in Sunderland wasn’t
a fairer choice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, the upshot is that we’re in the process of being “granted”
taxation powers that are as worthwhile as asking Andy Murray to play at
Wimbledon using a frying pan and gardening gloves, and even that’s before the
House of Lords gets started on its own sneering slash-fest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a flamin’ stitch-up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This annoying state of affairs has prompted some meaty
reactions, especially in the parallel universe of Twitter. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s been more than a smidgin of impatience
with the SNP, as if they’re somehow to be blamed for 56 being a smaller number
than 594.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should they be more
assertive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, we have an obligation
to be stern critics, and I’m sure constructive suggestions would be welcome (tee
hee), but, without wishing to take on the mantle of Mr Wishy-Washy, I think it’s
too early to start agitating for that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Team 56 is only two months into a five-year project. They
were on a hiding to nothing on the constitution, and for some of them the first
two months have been an almost vertical learning curve, but their ranks include
some smart cookies and we should keep faith.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They’re bound to figure strongly in the titanic anti-austerity struggle
to come, and may even make progress if Labour somehow breaks out of its habit
of being the dark forces’ bendy toy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
if things start to look up for Greece, which at the time of writing seems a far
more likely prospect. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Indyref 2?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lots of
folk are clearly gasping for it, and the current blitzkrieg of triumphalism could
be interpreted as the Tories attempting to trigger it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s nailed on to appear in the SNP’s 2016
Holyrood<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>manifesto in some form, but if I
were in their shoes I wouldn’t go further than saying “we reserve the right to
call this at our discretion”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would
be underpants-on-head lunacy to frame it as a firm commitment until the polls
start moving significantly and consistently towards Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll probably take only two or three more facesmackin’-youthcrushin’-poorpastin’-devastatin’
Budgets like this week’s for that to happen, but patience is required…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, you and I need to prepare and plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next time the indyref balloon goes up, on
currency, on the EU, on pensions, on every hysterical piece of scaremongering
that fouled things up last time, we need a well-researched, unambiguous
position and a ruthless determination to deliver it loud and clear to every nervous,
curtain-twitching voter.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i> job,
and, however dearly we may love ’em, it’s much too important to be left to the SNP.<br />
<br />
</div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-20052197747200768232015-06-26T14:29:00.000+01:002015-06-27T00:02:14.605+01:00Talking To The Enemy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Who’d have imagined such a day would come?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stomach-churning angst amongst Yes supporters
and celebratory congas throughout Bastardville.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nicola Sturgeon’s fallen from grace with an almighty splat, and nothing
will ever be the same again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why, oh
why, couldn’t she have given her firm support to the macaroni pie, instead of signing
up to the campaign only because it’s what her Dad wanted?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, wait a minute, that’s not it. It’s unspeakably,
horrifically worse than that, worse even than ripping the head off the new
Partick Thistle mascot and finding Kaye Adams underneath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s… she’s… (adjusts straitjacket)…
written a piece for the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daily Mail!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gee, thanks, Nicola! Here I am trying to write a knockabout
comedy blog that secretly depends on me never saying anything too
controversial, and suddenly I’ve got a hugely divisive issue bang in front of
me, as unavoidable as a skateboarding hippopotamus singing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Moon River</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if
there’s a section of the humour spectrum between “hardline Cybernat” and “apologist
sell-out”, but, with a pile of Setlers on the desk and an unimpeded route to
the bathroom, it’s time to find out…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s begin with the known facts, at least in this universe,
rather than the parallel one where Katie Hopkins runs a humanitarian NGO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daily
Mail</i> is a poisonous, bile-ridden, hate-mongering, rancid, mendacious piece
of gut-rot that Satan wouldn’t use as bog-roll for fear of getting a nasty rash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I were down to my last tin of Heinz
Ravioli, with my wife threatening to change the locks if I didn’t earn some
dosh, I still wouldn’t accept money to write for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if its editor promised to print my piece
verbatim, without comment, and let me call it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Famous Unionist Wankers</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if one of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i>’s
minions doorstepped me before my first coffee of the day, to ask searching
questions about my disreputable blog, that time I swore on Twitter and whether
I’d ever uttered the merest squeak of pleasure at England losing on penalties,
then stuck a camera in my face as I forcefully encouraged him to leave?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if the paper then printed an exposé entitled
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Unshaven Racist Potty-Mouth Can Dish It
Out But Not Take It</i>, featuring a photo of me as a wild-eyed, aggressive
loon<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>with disastrous bridgework?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wouldn’t I be looking for, and very much
entitled to, a Right of Reply?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s not quite Nicola’s position, of course, since she’s
much too savvy to open the door to anyone before she’s fully explored the
coffee-making possibilities of That Awfy Expensive Machine She’s Got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’d say she was certainly entitled to a
right of reply, having been monstered the previous day for following people on
Twitter and graciously acknowledging their personal Tweets without setting up a
full-time monitoring unit to analyse everything else they’d spouted on the
Internet before or since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The smug
claptrap merchants at the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail </i>leapt
on it as an “exclusive”, which in one sense it was: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">by stating her case</span> plainly in her own words, with a
backup copy on the SNP web site, Nicola neatly excluded the possibility of some treacherous
hack indulging in a bit of textual jiggery-pokery.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Does exercising a right of reply constitute endorsement of
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i> and all its evil
machinations?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, some say it does,
and I’m happy to respect the bojangles out of that viewpoint, but I beg to
differ. I suppose it does recognise it as an organ of influence, rather than
something that should be cordoned off until the emergency services destroy it
in a controlled explosion, but sadly that’s exactly what it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i>
readers may not be inclined to put Nicola on a pedestal, unless they’re allowed
to stand menacingly around it with firebrands, but that doesn’t mean she
shouldn’t at least try to insert whatever sense she can into their craniums.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But is she simply dancing to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i>’s militaristic tune?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> That's a</span> harder question, but it exists independently of her foray into
print.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Realpolitik </i>dictates that if a complaint is publicly put to her,
and it has any sort of truth in it, she has to be seen to take action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some miscreants – and, so you can start setting up the gunk
tank above my head, I’d include in this anyone bad-mouthing Charles Kennedy for
his drink problem – deserve all they get, plus the additional
sanction of being attached to an arse-kicking machine for a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others - and please excuse the stench of
moral relativism, purists, but I’d place Neil Hay of “Paco McSheepie” infamy in
this category - have been chucked under the bus on charges that, upon
examination, look shakier than a unicyclist juggling a drinks tray. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
I’m not comfortable with that broad-brush
splurge, and having to watch, of all scandal-sheets, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DAILY
F…F…FESTERING MAIL </i>strut around as the arbiter of what is and isn’t
acceptable is like being force-fed a powdered glass smoothie, but I can
understand why it happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Incidentally, in case any hypocrisy-sniffers at the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail </i>feel the urge to trawl through my
own Twitter history, I don’t regard following someone as approval of everything
they Tweet, I don’t do guilt by association and I’ll make my own grown-up
decisions about whom I follow, thanks awfully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nicola, alas, doesn’t have that luxury.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In that context, writing the piece she did could be defended
as a decent attempt to set out some principles rather than simply getting
railroaded every time some numpty from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i>
lobs a “dossier” at her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even with my curmudgeonly
dungarees and bunnet on, I couldn’t find fault with anything she wrote. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She wholeheartedly condemned Twitter abuse, as we should all
do loudly and consistently. She welcomed properly-conducted debate. She
distinguished threats, misogyny, homophobia, racism and other types of vileness
from impassioned industrial language. She made it clear she can’t police
Twitter single-handedly, but took responsibility for dealing with line-crossers
within the SNP and laid down a challenge to other parties to follow suit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That's the grindingly obvious point, which it’s tedious
watching agenda-driven puffballs constantly body-swerve: Internet abuse is a
matter for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all of us</i>, not simply a
partisan plaything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It ain’t restricted
to the SNP, to Scotland or even to politics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Start a blog about the joys of flower arranging, and before you can hum
a chorus of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In the Hall of the Mountain King
</i>you’ll have a bunch of trolls jostling you, telling you into which
graphically-described part of your anatomy to stick your delphiniums. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a species we haven’t yet worked out how to
use pen and ink without spewing venom, so now that we’ve stumbled on a
technology that can instantly transmit eye-popping filth anywhere
on the planet, what hope have we got?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So we’ve established that Nicola’s statement wasn’t a
forelock-tug to the forces of darkness, that it was a reasonable response to
“damned-either-way” circumstances, and that its content was just about spot
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it nevertheless a mistake, opening
the floodgates for all sorts of trumped-up Sturgeon-must-condemn
tomfoolery?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The immediate aftermath may
not look terribly encouraging, but remember: the Mail’s dung-beetles have been
piling up their evidence for years, so an avalanche of poop was always in the
offing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And here’s another possibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could this, in the longer term, be a
masterstroke, in that it motivates us Yes folk not only to tidy up our own
behaviour, where that’s needed, but to redouble our efforts to call out the disgraceful
slurs incessantly promulgated elsewhere?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And that, self-proclaimed moral guardians of the press, includes not only
the Bizarro-world of Twitter, but your own comments sections, and in many cases
your very articles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the end (the “end” in question being my bahookey, which has
several skelfs in it) it’s far too soon to make a judgement on whether Nicola’s
intervention was wise or woeful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
genuinely don’t have a scooby how things will pan out, especially since the
Scottish public are no longer passive observers and will have a big say in what
happens next. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, even if it does
ultimately prove to be a mistake, come on, guys!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If anyone deserves to be cut some slack,
surely Nicola does. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t possess an SNP membership card, but, if I did, the
last thing I’d be considering right now is feeding it into the nearest
shredder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that some are mulling
over that very course of action, but, without wishing to trample over their inalienable
right to feel gutted, may I respectfully suggest to them: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>gonny no’ dae that? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Political engagement surely means hanging
tough in the difficult times as well as cheering ecstatically at 12,000-seater
jamborees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doesn’t it?<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-47945160831348493532015-06-16T18:09:00.000+01:002015-06-17T12:49:44.835+01:00The Snipers Take Aim<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Yoo-hoo!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still
here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been many a Chilcot (official
definition: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“vast expanse of time frittered
away in pointless buggering about”</i>) since I last posted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During this hiatus I’ve had a wee spat with
Twitter, which appears to have condemned my blog as “unsafe” on the laughable
grounds that it will projectile-vomit malware over your iThingy’s hard drive,
rather than the sensible grounds that it’s a farrago of ill-researched ranting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this, I’m in the sort of mixed company that would induce
salivating ecstasy in any Channel 4 dinner-party-from-hell reality TV producer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Frances Coppola, epoch-making film director reduced
to scraping a living as a financial journalist, was similarly afflicted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So were Moridura, independentista of adamantine
resolve, whose blogs are spoken of in trembling whispers by the favoured few,
and his Unionist counterpart Kevin Hague, chief analyst of the “Aren’t
Scotland’s Finances Crap?” School, who nevertheless supports “pooling and
sharing” with the deranged clots whose mismanagement made them that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last and definitely least, there was a failed Nazi-hunting
misanthrope by the name of Ian Smart, whose long-awaited plummet down the
Labour laundry chute you may have missed amidst the palaver about Jim Murphy’s
farewell speaking tour and the SNP’s expulsion of Brian Smith for bad-mouthing
Charles Kennedy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shed no tears for Ian, who’ll no doubt be pontificating on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scotland 2015 </i>as a “non-aligned” pundit
just as soon as BBC management can bully their staff into inviting him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, the leadership of the “SNP
are Nazis” Zoomer Society passes seamlessly to Dr David Starkey, whose current
medication has prompted him to issue a proclamation equating the public baring
of knees with a tendency to invade the Sudetenland. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You should never feed a troll, although if I had some dog
food and laxatives handy I might be prepared to rustle up a sandwich for Dr
Starkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he was trying to stir up discussion
he certainly succeeded, the main topic being “Why is this narcissistic,
attention-seeking pustule allowed to slather his rancid views all over our mainstream
media, instead of being locked in a deserted house with George Galloway and
left there until the screaming finally stops?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the SNP really were Nazis, or anything remotely like it,
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daily Mail</i> would probably be
amongst their most ardent supporters. Instead,
the rag that goose-stepped its way through the 1930s never misses an
opportunity to put the boot into Team 56, except during short breaks to renew the snake-venom coating
on its steel toecaps. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
Cybernats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re everywhere, burbles the <i>Mail</i>, mysteriously
failing to notice their precise counterpart in its own online comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lucy Frazer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She made it “clear”, it lectures us humourless Jocks, that her comments
on Cromwell enslaving Scots were “light-hearted”. Aye right, and no doubt Bernard
Manning just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">appeared</i> to be a grotesque,
filthy racist, and was actually dancing on the edge of satire in a pink tutu.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The SNP contingent have given up clapping, and haven’t yet
developed a distinctively Scottish form of “hear hear” to piss off Westminster’s
animal noises brigade, so the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail’s</i>
had to go back to hammering Mhairi Black for having the temerity to be 20 years
old. The hack responsible, Euan McLelland
on the “fill the space with any old crap” desk, didn’t even have to hurt his
brain by thinking up words of his own; he just nicked bits from her interview
on Radio Scotland’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Off The Ball</i>,
where she “admitted” to spending some of her salary on food and drink, sometimes
buying rounds for her friends, the conniving minx, and often visiting (haud
me back, I’m ragin’) McDonalds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It was a truly ground-breaking article, in that its
triviality, stupidity and utter irrelevance was too much even for some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail Online</i> below-the-line commenters, who
for the first time in their lives found themselves uncontrollably typing things
such as “So what?” and “None of your business, leave her alone”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They must have found it a terrifying
experience, like being possessed by the spirit of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm,
and the traumatic feeling of cleanliness will no doubt haunt them to their
grave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meanwhile, the rest of us await Mhairi’s
maiden speech, in the firm expectation that it will totally blow the tits off
every patronising, condescending jackanapes who’s spent the last month sneering
at her, the party that selected her and the citizens that elected her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This constant sniping from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i> and others has, ooh, not deliberately surely, helped to
obscure the posturing, game-playing and downright piss-taking that’s been going
on in the Commons, as our imperial masters have knocked the stuffing out of all attempts to make the
Scotland Bill worthwhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always looked like a
photocopy of an artist’s impression of a drunk man’s sketch of the infamous Vow,
and it feels as if we’re even getting a splurge of Tipp-Ex on top of that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Full Fiscal Autonomy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Never thought it had a snowball’s chance, but I could have done without
human belisha beacon Sir Edward Leigh’s irony-laden harrumphing, not to mention
last night’s final insult, when an amendment to make it impossible to abolish
the Scottish Parliament without its own consent and that of the people was
squashed, in a quintessential “Up Yours, Scotland” moment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ach, there’s more to write about this, but the blog’s now
in “shorter and more frequent” mode - stop laughing at the back! – and, anyway, if I went
into detail now, still a tad raw, my industrial language would probably shock
your delicate sensibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which,
whatever the geeks at Twitter Support may think about it, really would make the
blog “unsafe”.<br />
<br />
****************************************************<br />
<br />
<i><b>Note for Re-tweeters:</b> </i><br />
<i>(1) Thanks for your support, without which I'd just be a sad guy howling at the moon. </i><br />
<i>(2) If you're posting my URL, please make sure you give it the extension ".com" - <u>not</u>, please not, ".co.uk" as appears in the address bar, which Twitter doesn't like. Or use the wee Twitter icon at the foot of this blog page, and you should be fine.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-9007998594821068032015-05-29T12:16:00.000+01:002015-05-29T12:16:14.723+01:00Archive Hour: The Talented Mr Blatter<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Jings! I've just come across this piece I wrote in May 2011, on a long-defunct blog, back when I were a whippersnapper. Goes to show that scandal and corruption are all part of a giant merry-go-round, d<span style="font-family: inherit;">oesn't it</span>? I was probably quite hard on the SFA, but they were different times...</span></i><br />
</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*******************************************************************************</span>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<i>“Everything I know about morality and the obligations of
men, I owe to football."</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Albert Camus </b></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That is just so true, innit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dunno why Camus bothered doing any more philosophical writing after that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It should have won him the Nobel Prize on its own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a volley into the top corner, sweet as a nut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is pretty unusual when you consider that he played as a goalkeeper, although that does explain the nuttiness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">‘Cos football is a metaphor for life, obviously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haven’t
we all felt isolated in life’s midfield, with the ball sailing
constantly over our heads or being passed rhythmically around us by
pint-sized guys with foreign accents?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
been on the verge of scoring a brilliant individual goal with the girl
of our dreams, only to balloon it over the bar by allowing her to witness us trying to eat a bowl of spaghetti? And
who, unexpectedly bereft of a Kleenex, hasn’t publicly honked a
nostril-ful of mucus into the nearest available piece of turf?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can’t <i>all</i> be just me, surely?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And
if football is the medium through which philosophers make sense of
life, then FIFA panjandrum Sepp Blatter must be some sort of
philosopher-king.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of
course, he’s not the sort of philosopher to drink hemlock and not the
sort of king to put up with dissent, especially from a rabble of
journalists bent on trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
gazes serenely down from his sedan chair at the torrents of sewage
gurgling by and perceives a minor plumbing issue rather than a cholera
outbreak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
might ask him how this could have happened on his watch, but the only
thing he can see on his watch is Mickey Mouse pointing to time for you
to shut up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be fair to Sepp, he has hit on a wizard solution to the bribery and corruption surrounding FIFA elections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Simply accept him as the one and only candidate for the top job, from now until his death and even beyond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Death won’t be the end for Sepp;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he’ll just prise himself off the toasting fork and do a deal with Satan for the World Cup Finals of 2026 to take place in Hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s only a few degrees hotter than Qatar, after all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In
Sepp’s view, we shouldn’t worry our pretty little heads with
muck-raking, because this is just a minor series of difficulties within
the FIFA family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s right about the “family” part:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they’re
riddled with mutual hatred, badmouth each other at every opportunity
and squabble like rats in a sack when it looks like there’s money up for
grabs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
they moved in next to you, before you’d had time to throw together a
welcoming lemon drizzle cake they’d have got your children hooked on
crack, set their Rottweiler on Uncle Albert and turned the estate into a
no-go area for the police.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But as head of the family, Sepp’s in control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give him untrammelled power and he’ll sort them out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Into the FIFA Council meeting he’ll go, baseball bat in hand like Robert de Niro in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Untouchables</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You give me no respect?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blatt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>You got no sense of fair play?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blatt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You got a bad attitude?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blatt.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that a camera in your hand?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blatt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blatt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blatt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So
if FIFA are playing the role of a problem family, who’s playing the
role of Haringey Social Services, tut-tutting from a distance and not
showing up at the front door for fear of being eaten?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Step forward, England’s very own Football Association, with their Scottish counterparts tucked neatly into their shirt pocket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re such perfect enemies for Sepp that you’d think he actually bribed them to oppose him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just look at the FA’s jaw-droppingly naïve 2018 World Cup hosting bid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a team!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>David Cameron, sucking up to everyone from the outset while Putin stayed at home until the decision was in the bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>David Beckham, wandering distractedly from cupboard to cupboard wondering why no-one else was turning up to meetings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Prince William, ‘cos the foreigners will be impressed by a bit of royalty, won’t they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’d have been better sending Kate, or preferably that sister of hers with the cute bum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Everyone
they spoke to asked for a bribe of some sort, but they just laughed it
off because they were too dim to realize that people were being serious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
got a derisory two votes, and even that was only because their own
representative’s vote for a country called “Ingerland” was allowed to
stand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As
for the SFA, after a Scottish football season pock-marked by touchline
mayhem, referees’ revolts, sectarian hatred and death threats to
managers, you’d have thought they might just want to stay out of the
limelight for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They make the Keystone Cops look like the SAS.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So Sepp Blatter continues to rule supreme.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who can stop him?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FA and Sweet FA.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 2pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They think it’s all over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be shortly.</span><br />
</div>
</br />
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-89616273045300954062015-05-24T15:39:00.000+01:002015-05-24T15:39:35.324+01:00Karma Carmichael<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Welcome, seekers of coruscating wit and effervescent
humour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope you’ve brought a fiendish
Sudoku and a packed lunch with you, because I’m finding it tricky to write decent
jokes with steam coming out of my ears and my frenetic hammering turning the keyboard
into a pile of melted marshmallows.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“These things happen.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A statement of stultifying complacency that we now realise was the
casual malice of a mugger gloating over his victim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, as Alistair Carmichael eases his buttocks snugly on to a Commons bench, smirking all over his jammy
fizzog, what things are going to happen next?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unless the UK establishment is forced to change the record and stop
being a refuge for smug, double-dealing fartbags, nothing. Not a sausage.
Bugger all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s difficult to think of anything more galling over the
next five years than Carmichael serenely drifting along as one of the new Lib
Dem leader’s Seven Dwarves, stirring his carcass only to lob pat-a-cake
Scottish Questions at his fully-washable-knitwear successor Mr Mundell, while
the 56 SNP MPs get pilloried for every damn thing they say or do. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ooh, took oath in Gaelic, that’s subversive,
may have sneaked in a terrorist sub-text.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ooh, took it in Scots, that’s primitive, is it even a language?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ooh, missed out ‘Queen’, better watch that
one in case she puts laxatives in the punch-bowl at the next garden party. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First things first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is like volunteering to have toothache, but Carmichael’s admission
has led to the same old lorryload of drivel being tipped over us again,
implying that Nicola really did talk out of turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I need to set out the facts once more, in
the hope that the cloth-eared media and the Scottish Labour Trolling Ragtime
Band will stop sucking their thumbs and pay attention this time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Cabinet Office Enquiry report does not say that the leaked memo
was accurate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It says that the civil
servant who wrote it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thought </i>it was
accurate, but left open a thundering great possibility that he might have got
the part about Nicola‘s comments wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And the two people who took part in the actual conversation, plus the
French Consul General, who was also present and became the source of the civil
servant’s information, have confirmed that he indeed got it wrong. He reported
in good faith, only to have the Secretary of State kick him in the teeth by feeding
his confidential document into the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Telegraph</i>’s
whirly-splat propaganda muck-spreader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
as his own antennae suggested, Nicola simply didn’t express the words and
opinions he attributed to her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One other initial observation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The memo only got into Carmichael’s clammy
paws, indeed was only written at all, because of Westminster’s inability to mind
its own bleedin’ business. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder if, once
Mr Cameron’s finished making Scotland the most powerful devolved administration
this side of Alpha Centauri, our First Minister will be allowed to have grown-up
discussions with foreign diplomats without the Scotland Office peering creepily
over her shoulder?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, imagine this memo, potentially embarrassing for the
SNP but with a caveat so huge you could wrap a double-decker bus in it, landing
with a dull thud on the desk of Carmichael’s teenage sidekick. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>In any operation that wasn’t either Toytown or
a shameless front for dirty tricks, it shouldn’t have crossed anyone’s mind to
leak it for any reason - especially poxy, intelligence-insulting bilge such as “public
interest”, which our lords and masters keep shoving at us, presumably to show
how much they despise us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Carmichael says he “should have stopped it”, as if it’s all
his wicked assistant’s fault and his error was in not paying attention until it
was too late. Sure, that looks likely:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the
assistant standing in the doorway asking “Well, boss, should I grossly abuse
protocol by leaking this unlikely-looking, easily disprovable smear that will
totally piss off the French, just because our polling figures look like crap?”
and Carmichael, with his gob full of chocolate cake and his mind on a game of
Candy Crush Saga, mumbling “Yeah, whatever.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or does “should have stopped it” have a different
meaning?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is Carmichael, who if the tools
in the box were assessed for sharpness would be on a par with an ice lolly
stick, being set up as a fall guy for a wider conspiracy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the boys in the Better Together band
decide to re-unite for one final cacophonous gig?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finding gap-toothed marvel Willie Rennie wandering
the streets at just the right time to provide a quote may have been coincidence,
but the uncanny speed with which several Scottish Labour luminaries opened up
with small-arms fire on Twitter suggests either a degree of orchestration or a
lot of sad people with nothing to do on a Friday night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But let’s return to the man of the moment, and another
stunning quote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it was an “error of judgment”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure Carmichael would never foist on us
the politician’s trick of confusing moral lapses with travelling the wrong way
down a one-way street, so obviously the “judgment” was that he wouldn’t get
caught. This turned out to be erroneous on a Michael Fish “don’t worry, ma’am, no
hurricane” scale, since all Sir Jeremy Heywood had to do was identify the source of the calls
to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Telegraph </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as</span> the
assistant’s mobile, and there was Carmichael bang to rights, trousers round ankles, hands red
as a pillar box and face to match.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In passing, sorry to be narky, and I do humbly appreciate
the silky-smooth thoroughness of the UK Civil Service, but, since even
Inspector Clouseau would have found this case <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">un morceau de gateau</i>, why by all the toasting forks in Hades did it
take Sir Jeremy and his team of razor-sharp intellects 48 days and a reputed £1.4
million of taxpayers’ money to nail it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
voters of Orkney and Shetland, who by any rational analysis have been blatantly
conned, might consider a straight answer to this to be in the public interest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which brings us to the real elephant, not just in the room,
but splayed on the sofa sipping a Pina Colada and hogging the remote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Carmichael was interviewed on Channel 4 the
day after the leak, and maintained the first he’d heard of the whole thing was
in a phone call from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Telegraph</i>
the previous afternoon, he was plainly and simply lying to us all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No ifs, no buts, no Clintonesque
micro-tweaking of language, no “cor, guv, it just slipped my mind”; he lied
like a silly schoolboy, his little Zebedee head nodding and grinning manically,
with not the faintest notion of how pathetic he looked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that the horse is cantering over the horizon with the
stable door swinging in the breeze, Carmichael blithely asserts that if he’d
still been in the job he’d have “tendered his resignation”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he’s graciously “declined” his severance
pay. Blimey, must get down to Poundland to buy a bag of party poppers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look, mate, you used Government resources to smear the leader
of your electoral opponents, then by lying about it you effectively stood for
election under false pretences. For that, you shouldn’t have the option of
resigning; a burly bloke from Security should be frogmarching you out of the
building, while your personal effects get chucked out of the window in a bin
bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your “severance pay” should be a
down payment on the £1.4 million you owe us for wasting everyone’s time. But
most of all, the voters of Orkney and Shetland deserve an opportunity to decide
whether they really want to be represented by a proven - and so far
unapologetic - liar. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The clueless Lib Dems have said they’ll take no action
against Carmichael.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, a party that contributed
a perjurer and an expenses cheat to the last UK Cabinet, and gave an alleged
serial groper the benefit of the doubt over the complaints of four different
women, has learned the square root of diddly-squat from its election cull.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looks as if we’ll need to get the extra-strength
Domestos out again in 2020.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Elsewhere, it’s heartening to see some moves afoot to hold Carmichael
to account.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mainstream media can
envelop this in whatever blanket of smart-arsery, smokescreen or silence they
like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The internet age has taken us long
past the time when the establishment could fiddle about until scandals simply
blew over; now we’re as mad as hell and we aren’t going to take it any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s write, shout, protest, agitate and
petition until cheats like this are driven from public life and we never hear
the words “just one of these things” again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There may be revelations to come, and these shenanigans may run deeper than we suspect. But let's not hang around in eager anticipation. It's time to make a start on cleaning the place up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Carmichael must go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-33646685992219165822015-05-20T11:40:00.000+01:002015-05-20T11:40:09.757+01:00The SNP's Fun Fortnight<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--> Even Carlsberg, if they made brilliant weeks, would struggle
to emulate the humdingin’ fortnight the SNP has just had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a spine-tingling send-off we witnessed
at South Queensferry, now officially the second-sexiest photoshoot location in
the world, the first being “anywhere where Nicola Sturgeon is and someone has a
phone”.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And what a beacon of hope the appellation “Team 56” is:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a massive advance on “the 45”, and perhaps a
staging post for “the 67”, which could - place your bets, punters – turn out to
be the two-thirds Yes majority at the next referendum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Heh heh, only kiddin’. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">know</i>
that wasn’t in the manifesto; I just wanted to see Alan Cochrane melting down
in a frenzy of facial fuzz and phlegm.) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you may suspect, the special occasions on which I allow
myself to feel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">schadenfreude</i> include any
day with a “Y” in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, as I surveyed
the ranks of Insturgents framed by the Forth Bridge, my thoughts turned to the soor-faced
SNPouters and their diddy tactical-voting wheel of misfortune, whose humiliated
convenience-candidates I could picture being smuggled out of town on decrepit farm
trucks, hidden under mounds of manure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
a bugger being defined by what you hate, isn’t it, chaps?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s a couple of Gaviscon; enjoy digesting
the will of the Scottish electorate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The fun continued over the next few days, as the SNP newbies
were introduced to the <i>Sir Jolyon Bumfeatures Book of Parliamentary Etiquette</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say, they made a frightful hash
of things, including a disgraceful outburst of clapping when the correct
procedure is to bray like a farmyard animal, using nipple clamps to heighten
the effect if necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking
photographs in the chamber is also a bit naughty, unless you’ve got Black Rod’s
special permission countersigned by five grandparents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An unregulated snapshot, taken in the wrong
light with a particular shutter speed, might accidentally reveal which honourable
members are actually shape-shifting lizards, and then where would we be?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Meanwhile, Mhairi Black - indisputably the party's top communicator with
926,747 published diary entries, of which at least one probably wasn’t a spoof
- had flunkies reaching for the smelling salts when she addressed the kitchen staff
without using a horsewhip, something Pitt the Younger would never have
contemplated. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As for her lunchtime
gourmet selection of “chip butty with cola bottles for afters” - oh, Paisley,
what have you done?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Douglas Alexander
may have been a talentless mealy-mouthed twonk, but I bet he had a proper
respect for Lobster Thermidor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially if taxpayer-subsidised.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The bad news, which hit post-election celebrations like the
contents of an 18<sup>th</sup> century Edinburgh chamber-pot, is that while we
were busy making our thunderous electoral statement Middle England casually
awarded the Tories an overall majority. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>“All the SNP’s fault for getting too many
seats!”</i> screeched certain commentators who can’t count above 10 because they
don’t know how to take their socks off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i>“It was fear of the SNP that drove voters back from UKIP to the Tories!”</i>
hollered others, although anyone idiotic enough to fall for scary pickpocket
posters would only have ended up drawing a cock and balls on their ballot paper.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, Team 56 will have its work cut out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you think challenging Dennis Skinner to a
game of musical chairs was pretty hardball, watch what comes next. The scrapping
of the Human Rights Act is lurching towards us like a runaway juggernaut, with
Michael “Oh God, Is He Still Here?” Gove at the wheel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last time I checked with the Department of
Transport, Mike’s trademark smart-arse superiority and pettifogging
authoritarianism weren’t listed as driving skills, so I reckon it’ll be both
carriageways closed and debris all over the shop until 2020.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s unfair, of course, to say that the Tories don’t give a
gerbil’s bum-cheek for our rights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
long as we’re self-centred plutocrats, or no-questions-asked party donors, or
Prince Charles scrawling an addle-pated note of advice, we have the right to do
or say whatever we like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there’s
even one oppressed group for whose rights the Tories are prepared to fight:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sadistic tosspots in scarlet finery who get a
thrill from chasing terrified animals, using overwhelming force to tear them
apart and parading their body parts as a badge of perverted honour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life’s been no fun for those poor darlings since 2004 (and
even longer in spoilsport Scotland), but now relief is at hand. With the
economy deflating, the Middle East smouldering, Greece teetering and food banks
proliferating, it’s the repeal of the fox-hunting ban that has suddenly popped
up in press leaks as the Tories’ priority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s obviously great news for bastards, but why now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Call me a boggle-eyed conspiracy freak, but could
it possibly be a fiendishly cunning trap for the SNP? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fox-hunting being a devolved matter, this piece of
suck-it-up-plebs triumphalism affects only England and Wales.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless the Government plans to offer bribes
to householders to compensate for their prize gladioli being trampled by a pack
of ravening beasts, not to mention the hounds allegedly under their control,
there’s no financial impact, so no effect on the Barnett bawbees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s therefore a classic case - good grief,
Nicola’s even on record using it as an example - of English-only legislation, on
which the time-honoured, oft-quoted SNP policy is to abstain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, if they do abstain, all hell will break
loose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Half of their supporters will condemn
them as cold-hearted, morally bankrupt and… gasp…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> disappointing, just like all the other politicians.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>The Tories will smirk annoyingly, like
the execrable lickspittles of Beelzebub they are, and Scottish Labour trolls will
bore everyone to death with opportunistic jeering. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they don’t abstain, the other half of their
supporters will savage them for hypocrisy, the Tories will fast-track English
Votes for English Laws amidst snippy “untrustworthy Jocks” sound-bites, and
Scottish Labour trolls will bore everyone to death with opportunistic jeering.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been swithering all day, to the point where my moral
compass made a weird whistling noise and went on fire. The SNP will take a
pounding whatever happens, so there’s a case for doing the decent thing and
voting to uphold the ban. After all, aren’t their MPs entitled to a free vote,
just like everyone else, and won’t Bruiser Carmichael, Fluffy Mundell and
Stickers Murray be sashaying through one lobby or the other?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if there’s massive popular support for
the ban, particularly in England, couldn’t they claim it as an example of
“leading the UK, not leaving it”, if they stretched the knicker-elastic of
truth a wee bit further…?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry, folks, it
may feel like being force-fed a bowlful of pencil shavings, but the only viable
option is to abstain. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The principle of
not voting on matters irrelevant to Scotland is there for a good reason; Alex
Salmond didn’t just come across it in a fortune cookie at the Lucky Flower,
Strichen. Abandoning it the very first time it’s blow-torched by controversy
doesn’t make you a savvy politician, it just makes you a photocopy of Nick
Clegg.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Tories, lest we forget, are lynx-eyed, ruthless
sociopaths who’ll use Team 56’s entrails as skipping ropes at the slightest hint
of inconsistency. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>EVEL will no doubt be
rammed into the body politic at eye-watering speed whatever happens, but, for the
SNP to oppose it credibly, its principles need to be firm and intact rather
than shredded into bargain-basement muesli. God knows, the next five years’ onslaught
from the guttersnipes at the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mail</i> and
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Telegraph</i> will be messy enough
without our side gifting them a high-pressure hosepipe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s nothing, of course, to stop the SNP speaking up in
the debate, to convince English and Welsh members of the wisdom of continuing
to follow Scotland’s example.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The odds
of being heard might improve a tad now that there’s 50 more of them and 50
fewer obstreperous hooligans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
should consider it a moral imperative to denounce fox-hunting in the most
eloquent, and newsworthy, terms they can muster. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the unlikely event that they require additional lexical
oomph, I’ve got a thesaurus full of cracking words right here - yeah, who’d
have guessed? - and I’m happy to post it down to "Jockalypse House" for as long as necessary.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not looking for much in return,
guys, but do you think Mhairi could spare a couple of packets of cola bottles….?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-47178772119747078212015-05-11T22:36:00.000+01:002015-05-11T22:36:13.789+01:00Benefits Street<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i>Woo hoo! The Tories are back, and so is poverty porn...</i><br />
<br />
On Benefits Street it’s freak show time,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Observe and
salivate</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
As
indolence, drugs and petty crime</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Leech off the
Welfare State!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
We don’t cover
those who scrimp and save</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And play it
by the rules;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
It’s
glittering BAFTAs that we crave,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
D’you think
we’re bloody fools?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
No mention
for working poor who earn</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A pittance answering phones;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
You only
make headlines if you learn</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
To piss off
Owen Jones.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Our cameras
shun disabled folk</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
At whom assessors scowl,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
We’d rather
see Twitter up in smoke,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And hear the
lynch mobs howl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So
caricatures we’ve put on screen,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Condemned by
their own lips</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
As feckless,
corrupt, weak-willed, unclean,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
With great shoplifting
tips.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“Community
spirit” we profess</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
As central
to our tale;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Our cast
even boasts a shared address</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
When they’re
hauled off to jail.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Though
poverty comes in many forms,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
It’s sexier
on TV</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
To indicate
that the welfare norm’s</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Dysfunctionality.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
When residents whine to Channel Four,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Our answer’s
short and sweet:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Collateral
damage we abhor,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
But our CVs
look neat!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
On Benefits
Street they’re well pissed off,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
But we’re
cool with the flak,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Protected by
rules that let you scoff</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
At those who
can’t hit back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3902728391812719018.post-3761213678026178592015-05-08T13:30:00.000+01:002015-05-08T13:32:47.406+01:00Wow, Just WowShan't detain you with protracted musings today, readers. I've only had three hours' sleep and my herd feels like a rhinoceros herd is holding a tap-dancing convention in it.<br />
<br />
So this is just to say that To September And Beyond - and isn't the "Beyond" <i>so</i> much more exciting than the September? - will be back early next week, once the dust has settled. That's how long I have to think up jokes for a whole new cast of characters, many of the existing ones having been consigned to the scrap-heap by the admirable Scottish electorate yesterday.<br />
<br />
Fluffy Mundell - this could be your moment. And, of course, we have Jim and Kezia, still clinging to the life-raft as it drifts inexorably towards the whirlpool.<br />
<br />
And we have a majority Tory government. Seriously, English voters - what in wildfire petrol-fuelled blazes were you thinking? You had one job, <i>one job.</i>...<br />
<br />
Enjoy the weekend, folks. Then come back with all of your friends and let's get tore into the next five years.<br />
<br />
William Duguidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09845512518700617842noreply@blogger.com2