Good Morning Scotland claims another victim. I can’t blame my wife for banishing me to the spare room after I rudely awakened her by smashing the radio alarm to smithereens with a wooden coat hanger. To be fair, I probably just dreamed the bit about the morning papers being reviewed by Margaret Curran, Darth Vader and the Duke of Cumberland, but it had the acid tang of plausibility. After that, the real-life introduction of charisma bypass Miles Briggs was simply the final gamma-ray blast that stripped away my veneer of self-control.
In my reflective moments, when it’s just me, a bottle of wine and a couple of imaginary friends on the settee, I have to admit that my anger management could do with some work. An adrenalin turbo-charge might be useful if my daily visit to the Co-Op were regularly bringing me face-to-face with a peckish sabre-tooth tiger. But when the trip’s main challenge is a frantic search of the news-stand to discover where the local arsehole has hidden today’s National, it’s a myocardial infarction waiting to happen.
Theresa May clearly has similar issues. Tories don’t do reflectiveness, because if they ever peered into the abyss of their souls they’d all end up in straitjackets. They don’t do detail either, as five nanoseconds in the presence of David Davis will testify. But even a cursory self-analysis, scribbled on the bit of the Post-It note left over after she’s run out of ideas on Brexit, would reveal Theresa to be a spanner-bag of pent-up irritation.
This was true even before she drank the potion of powdered glass mixed with vinegar and poor people’s tears served to all incoming Tory Prime Ministers. Her policies at the Home Office were a shambolic cocktail of vindictiveness and counter-productivity, defended with the stubborn tetchiness of a politician who’d been absent getting porcupine quills fitted the day imagination was handed out. Their legacy is still stinking the place out, with Highland villagers facing a 20 km round trip for a pint of milk after the closure of their community store because the family running it is being deported. Rules is rules, chum, and you’re one jot short of a tittle in meeting the requirements, so you’re out on your ear, even though nobody this side of Alpha Centauri benefits.
Left to herself, I don’t reckon Theresa would have called the General Election. Would she have wanted to have her ideas, in all their jaw-dropping vacuity, challenged by ordinary people? She’d rather have had a bucket of tepid sick emptied over her. It doesn’t fit the cover story, lapped up by the slavering sycophants of the BBC, in which she gradually warmed to the idea during a walk in the Welsh hills, with her hubby offering sage, owlish advice, fluffy Easter bunnies gambolling around and a male-voice choir humming Cwm Rhondda in the distance. I suspect the bit that’s missing is Lynton Crosby screaming down the phone at her for two hours.
When it comes to the dark arts, Crosby is the 100% cocoa content guy. Say what you like about the British having no negotiating skills, whoever brokered the exchange deal with Australia that sent hapless numpty McTernan to advise their politicians and laser-like assassin Crosby to advise ours is a freakin’ genius. Crosby’s heart may be a shrivelled walnut and he may think scruples are devices for opening wine bottles, but he delivers the goods, even if it means kicking down every door in the street.
Crosby immediately sussed that there was no way Theresa could be exposed to bothersome questions from the public. Giving innocent hairdressers from Macclesfield a death stare for politely asking why the local hospital has no doctors tends to give voters the heebie-jeebies. So, even before the hideous screech of brakes accompanying the General Election U-turn had died away, shadowy sources were whispering that invitations for the PM to participate in a TV debate would receive a two-word response with some sexual content.
Instead, Theresa’s been on a triumphal tour, doughnutted by placard-carrying obsessives, taking no questions beyond Laura Kuenssberg enquiring about her favourite colour, and sweeping away in a presidential motorcade, enveloping crowds of energetic V-signers in exhaust fumes. At Glaxo SmithKline, in her Maidenhead constituency, the workforce who’d been cattle-prodded in front of her were forbidden from answering media questions, and probably even had Special Branch tailing them home in case their spouses asked what sort of day they’d had. Crosby’s got the whole shebang exquisitely choreographed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Theresa has a cyanide capsule hidden in her necklace in case a journalist accidentally corners her.
There’s still the problem of her debating skills being unable to stand up to a gust of wind, so Crosby’s got her and the entire Tory parrot choir schooled in the key soundbites. I mean, bleed’n’ell, everyone, even the ones who need to follow a diagram to put their socks on. According to the mantra, the Tories offer “strong, stable leadership”, a world-view incompatible with sanity, unless “stable” means “thing that’s full of horse-manure” and “strong” just refers to the smell.
Meanwhile, the opposition is alliteratively tagged as a “coalition of chaos”. Well, “coalition” seems fair enough, since even if the public chose to elect 650 Labour MPs and no-one else, Jeremy Corbyn still wouldn’t command an overall majority. “Chaos”, however, can occasionally be creative and has a theory attached to it, so you might be inclined to rank it ahead of the C-words you could place after “Conservative”. Cluelessness, cruelty, criminality and catastrophe all spring to mind, and that’s just before the watershed.
And is our media calling this guff out for the blatant kindergarten-level manipulation it is? Oops, no, it’s set up camp in the same part of the dictionary: compliant, collusive, contemptible and crap. On its jackboot wing, where they head-butt the Caps Lock key for fun, anyone seeking to frustrate the Tories’ will is threatened with being chained up in the Tower of London or worse. On its propagandist conspiracy wing, the hotlines to well-connected liars are already smouldering like a pair of Carmichael’s pants.
Is Jeremy Corbyn doing anything to ward off this tsunami of tripe? Oops, no, he’s declared that, instead of brandishing Theresa’s empty chair at the TV debate to show her up as a snivelling coward, he, er, won’t bother turning up either. I swear that every time this man comes to a fork in the road, he makes absolutely sure it hits him in the face. What are his advisers thinking, apart from “Wonder how long it’ll take me to tunnel out of here using this teaspoon and my bare hands?”
And so to Scotland, where as usual the rules seem to have been devised under the influence of industrial-strength hallucinogens. If the SNP doesn’t win 56 seats out of 59 again, independence is a busted flush, Westminster will have us by the short and curlies in perpetuity and Tesco can safely start ordering in stocks of British haggis. If the Tories win even one extra seat, all of the above statements apply, plus Ruth Davidson will be formally crowned as viceroy, with the right to take away your motability scooter whenever she fancies it. If Labour gets 59 votes, that probably means that at least their candidates remembered to vote for themselves.
Back on Good Morning Scotland, here’s the review of this morning’s papers, and because of time constraints headlines from The National will once again be broadcast in semaphore. Can you hear the flags swishing over Gary Robertson’s chortling?