Politics has been a bit fraught this week, and I'm sure you need another how-you-should-vote article like a hedgehog needs a steamroller, so I thought I'd give everyone a nice break. Happily, this accords with my long-standing policy of being a snivelling coward, so it's a win all round.
It's Burns season, so here's another wee pastiche. I present it in the spirit of peace, love and understanding, so those losers at the Forfar Bridie People's Front had better not accuse me of hectoring or organise someone to slag me off in the National. And who knows what the Deep Fried Mars Bar Cult will think of it? They probably don't know themselves, not yet having had their instructions from Central Control. God, it's a minefield out there.
To a Macaroni Pie
Fair fa’ your sharp, acidic tang
Great Chieftain o’ the Scotch Pie gang!
Ye staun aboon the whole shebang
Steak, Mince or Mutton
Sworn foe of every hunger pang
And strainin’ button!
Behind the Co-Op checkout’s shield
Ye stand in majesty revealed
Proud pasta tubes in pastry sealed
Wi’ milky sheen
And topped wi’ grated cheese congealed
His lunch see rustic Labour crave
And bung ye in the microwave
Until your stodgy guts behave
Like lava streams
And scalded diners rant and rave
Wi’ anguished screams.
What setting suits your charms the best?
A banquet for an honoured guest?
Or watching Strictly in a vest?
Each maun be prized.
The eve of a blood glucose test?
That’s no’ advised.
Is there that owre his wilted greens
Or trumpety Aduki beans
Or juices packed wi’ carotenes
An’ mingin’ flavour
Regards this dish for kings an’ queens
Wi’ stern disfavour?
Poor devil! See him at the gym
Astride a treadmill to keep trim
Sae puritanical and prim
That joy’s forbidden!
The wind could sweep him on a whim
Intae a midden.
But mark the pasta-nurtured chiel!
Life holds for him a rich appeal
The cauld blast canna mak him kneel
Or idly drift
He’s blubbered like an Arctic seal
And hard to shift.
Ye Powers wha strive for mankind’s good
And keep them healthy, fit and rude
Auld Scotland wants nae rabbit food
That maks her bony
But one thing stirs her gratitude: