Did you miss that
ground-breaking Labour Devolution Commission report, telling us what new powers
they might have in store for Scotland after a “No” vote if Ed Miliband doesn’t
screw up the 2015 General Election and they can still be bothered? Never mind,
here it is again.
PISS-POOR POWERS
Accounting for Strengthability
and Peopling Empowerment
FOREWORD
by J Lamont,
Leader (for the time being), Scottish Labour
Scottish Labour is a party of both cynicism and
opportunism. For over 100 years, Labour
has led the argument for Scottish subservience within the Union, and it is a cause
we have advanced out of a deep-seated need to give otherwise unemployable politicians
a wee sook on the gravy train. That is
why it was a Labour Government which set up the Scottish Parliament, delivering
on what Tony Blair memorably called “shutting up these Scotch wankers for good,
with any luck”.
In making the case for devolution, Labour has brought an
enhanced set of buzz-words into the debate and caused significant puzzlement among
the interviewers of BBC Scotland. Our
desire has always been a simple one: meeting the Scottish people’s legitimate
desire for more powers with a smug assurance from Jackie Baillie that everything’s
fine and anything they can’t do is all the SNP’s fault.
Scottish Labour needs the United Kingdom. Look at our leadership, for pity’s sake! You wouldn’t trust any of us to go to the
shops for a pint of milk. Without e-mails
from Ed Miliband’s junior advisers telling us what to do, or our weekly
dressing down from Ian Davidson and Jim Murphy, we’d be sunk. So the questions for us today are what sort
of con trick we need to fool the voters into thinking we’re competent, and
whether Brian Taylor can keep a straight face while hyping it up on Reporting Scotland.
The Scotland Act 2012 represents a major step in this
direction, despite Alex Salmond flippantly telling everybody it’s rubbish, and
it was the aim of this commission to go much further. Unfortunately, our English colleagues told us
we weren’t allowed to, so instead we’ve just photocopied the Act, Tipp-Exed out
some of the figures and replaced them with slightly higher ones.
It is clear, from reading the Daily Mail online comments and the collected writings of Alan
Cochrane, that absolutely no-one in Scotland wants independence. I fully expect this to be confirmed by the
news brought to me in my padded cell on 19 September. We do not, of course, take this outcome for
granted, but Ian Davidson seems pleased with Westminster’s plans for handling
the postal vote and I’m no’ goanny risk a doing by arguing with him.
Politics to me has never been about abstract debates; you
need empty sound-bites as well. I came into politics to tear down barriers,
not erect borders. It has always been
about how to make people’s lives better.
Something for nothing. Didnae say
that. Astonished. We can achieve more working together than we
can ever do alone. As people, we are not
fixed in isolation. We are family. I’ve got all my sisters with me. I’m genetically programmed: British, a Scot, a Hebridean, a Glaswegian,
clueless, and proud!
It was never the intention of devolution to devolve power to
the Scottish Parliament, only to see it accumulate powers upwards. I’ve got no idea what that actually means,
but let’s have a conversation about it anyway.
Oh, wait a minute, someone’s just whispered in my ear that it’s
about “empowering communities”. We’re
going to give Aberdeen City Council the legal right to plant a custard pie in
Alex Salmond’s face every time he shows up within a 40-mile radius. In fact, we’ll make it mandatory, so they can’t
wimp out of it. That’s what re-invigorating
local democracy is all about.
I’d like to thank the Commission for letting me know what’s
in the report, and I’m sure it’ll stand me in good stead for the TV interviews later. Thanks
in advance to the Labour Party for your forthcoming endorsement of the report at
the Perth Conference. You are going to
approve it, aren’t you?
REPORT RECOMMENDATIONS:
Scotland to be given additional things to pay for, using
pretty well the same amount of money as before.
Or maybe less, if electoral pressures force us to bin the Barnett
Formula altogether. The Scottish
Government shouldn’t whinge, though, because we’ll compensate by giving it
powers to increase income tax to ruinous levels.
Other tax receipts, including those from the second great
oil boom, to continue to flow to Westminster, where they will be pooled and
shared among selected millionaires.
BBC3 to be replaced by a “Let’s Laugh At Scotland” channel, featuring
Andrew Neil and a constant flow of uninformed celebrities. Pointless
to be moved to the new channel, and broadcast live from Holyrood.
Scottish Labour to criticise the Scottish Government for all of this
at every turn, while continuing to promote candidates so useless they’re in no
danger of accidentally getting into office.
That’s your lot.
Satisfied?
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