Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Vote No Scruples - Latest Newsletter

Greetings, anonymous donors! 

Thank you for supporting Vote No Scruples, the campaign that stops at nothing to preserve the Scotland you want to see! 

The various unmarked envelopes you sent us, each containing exactly £7,499.99, have allowed us to trawl the Internet for “concerned citizens” to whom we can give a Stars In Their Eyes moment spouting fact-free pish.  Who can forget Jack from Castlemillock, who worries about being hunted down by dogs for daring to smuggle Irn Bru to his son in Carlisle?  Or Gary from Drumchapple, who positively enjoys living 30 miles from a nuclear base and thinks the SNP’s control-freakery will interfere with his right to stick a fork in his toaster?

Meanwhile, our cutting-edge cinema adverts, featuring pathological liars re-branded as “actors”, have consistently made Blair McDougall look, by comparison, as if he’s been injected with a truth serum.  By breaking all known records in the niche area of “most spectacular collective outbreak of projectile vomiting”, they’ve ensured that even legitimate indyref cinema advertising has been comprehensively kneed in the groin. Give yourself a pat on the back, Home Counties!

It’s not all been plain sailing, of course, with meddlesome NHS bureaucrats getting snotty about our perfectly reasonable point that sick Scottish children would be chased away from London hospitals with pitchforks.  Rest assured that their concerns were appropriately addressed.  We got one of our 15-year-old interns to craft a snarky passive-aggressive press release, and the film will be back up on YouTube shortly, just as soon as we’ve re-dubbed it to replace the term ‘Great Ormond Street’ with ‘St Poopy-Pants’.

All told, in just over a month Vote No Scruples has come a long way from that initial recording session at a secret location near Edinburgh, observed only by a salivating Gavin Esler, a BBC News film crew and 22 Conservative Central Office SPADs hiding in a broom cupboard.   But our handlers at MI5 tell us that you expect much more from us, so it’s time for us to unveil our cunning plans for the rest of the campaign.

Our delightful teenage musicians, the Blooms of Blighty, at present remain a wholly-owned subsidiary of Ordnance4U plc, the highly respected arms consultancy.  However, our next publicity coup will be to sell off the shares as soon as we find investors of sufficient gullibility.  Currently, following their unquestioning embrace of the Tories’ “devo-max” proposals, we have high hopes of flogging the lot to lily-livered TV journalists.

Creatively speaking, the Blooms of Blighty are still filled with angst about this stupid referendum and practising hard to make it all go away.  Their debut CD, Vote No Or We’ll Keep Singing, has already achieved a staggering 1.5 billion online pre-orders, thanks to a software glitch in Whitehall’s central requisitioning system.  The group is also hard at work on a series of annoying jingles that Kezia Dugdale will use to drown out opposing views on her new Radio Scotland show.

Your generous financial support has also allowed us to outbid Nando’s for the continuing services of our two fantastic actors.  We’ve given them starring roles in an exciting new venture, Luxury Coach Party 2014, where they’ll be filmed travelling in a big swanky bus round Guildford, burning £20 notes in front of cheering Scottish crowds which we’ll Photoshop in later.  They’ll also shortly be donning Gordon Brown masks to make a spine-chilling video about pensions, which will be shown in the communal TV lounges of retirement homes throughout Scotland, just before the nice young man from the council comes round to help the residents fill in their postal ballots.

And, of course, we’ll be continuing our fruitful co-operation with the consultancy AhCannae.  For those of you who have been asking, it’s a strictly non-aligned organisation, apart from its unswerving loyalty to Satan, that has worked in several countries where the citizens are getting above themselves and, frankly, need a slap.  It specialises in taking the delicate buds of hope and optimism and crushing them with a huge mallet. It pitilessly shreds people’s delusions that the government gives a rat’s arse what they think and shoves the pieces down their throats till they choke.  It’s been helping us mostly with photocopying.

So, as you can see, there’s lots going on, and we haven’t even mentioned the wheelbarrows of cash we’ll be taking round to the Electoral Commission to stop them moaning. 

Keep sending in those untraceable donations, and let’s make this summer a Festerval of Dependence!  

Yours self-servingly,

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