Greetings, anonymous donors!
Thank you for supporting Vote No Scruples, the campaign that
stops at nothing to preserve the Scotland you want to see!
The various unmarked envelopes you sent us, each containing
exactly £7,499.99, have allowed us to trawl the Internet for “concerned
citizens” to whom we can give a Stars In Their
Eyes moment spouting fact-free pish.
Who can forget Jack from Castlemillock, who worries about being hunted
down by dogs for daring to smuggle Irn Bru to his son in Carlisle? Or Gary from Drumchapple, who positively
enjoys living 30 miles from a nuclear base and thinks the SNP’s control-freakery
will interfere with his right to stick a fork in his toaster?
Meanwhile, our cutting-edge cinema adverts, featuring
pathological liars re-branded as “actors”, have consistently made Blair McDougall
look, by comparison, as if he’s been injected with a truth serum. By breaking all known records in the niche area
of “most spectacular collective outbreak of projectile vomiting”, they’ve
ensured that even legitimate indyref cinema advertising has been comprehensively
kneed in the groin. Give yourself a pat on the back, Home Counties!
It’s not all been plain sailing, of course, with meddlesome NHS
bureaucrats getting snotty about our perfectly reasonable point that sick
Scottish children would be chased away from London hospitals with pitchforks. Rest assured that their concerns were
appropriately addressed. We got one of
our 15-year-old interns to craft a snarky passive-aggressive press release, and
the film will be back up on YouTube shortly, just as soon as we’ve re-dubbed it
to replace the term ‘Great Ormond Street’ with ‘St Poopy-Pants’.
All told, in just over a month Vote No Scruples has come a long
way from that initial recording session at a secret location near Edinburgh, observed
only by a salivating Gavin Esler, a BBC News film crew and 22 Conservative
Central Office SPADs hiding in a broom cupboard. But our
handlers at MI5 tell us that you expect much more from us, so it’s time for us
to unveil our cunning plans for the rest of the campaign.
Our delightful teenage musicians, the Blooms of Blighty, at present remain a
wholly-owned subsidiary of Ordnance4U plc, the highly respected arms consultancy. However, our next publicity coup will be to sell off the shares as
soon as we find investors of sufficient gullibility. Currently, following their unquestioning
embrace of the Tories’ “devo-max” proposals, we have high hopes of flogging the
lot to lily-livered TV journalists.
Creatively speaking, the Blooms of Blighty are still filled
with angst about this stupid referendum and practising hard to make it all go
away. Their debut CD, Vote No Or We’ll Keep Singing, has
already achieved a staggering 1.5 billion online pre-orders, thanks to a software
glitch in Whitehall’s central requisitioning system. The group is also hard at work on a series of
annoying jingles that Kezia Dugdale will use to drown out opposing views on her
new Radio Scotland show.
Your generous financial support has also allowed us to outbid
Nando’s for the continuing services of our two fantastic actors. We’ve given them starring roles in an exciting
new venture, Luxury Coach Party 2014, where they’ll be filmed travelling in a big swanky bus round
Guildford, burning £20 notes in front of cheering Scottish crowds which we’ll Photoshop
in later. They’ll also shortly be
donning Gordon Brown masks to make a spine-chilling video about pensions, which
will be shown in the communal TV lounges of retirement homes throughout Scotland,
just before the nice young man from the council comes round to help the
residents fill in their postal ballots.
And, of course, we’ll be continuing our fruitful
co-operation with the consultancy AhCannae.
For those of you who have been asking, it’s a strictly non-aligned
organisation, apart from its unswerving loyalty to Satan, that has worked in several
countries where the citizens are getting above themselves and, frankly, need a
slap. It specialises in taking the
delicate buds of hope and optimism and crushing them with a huge mallet. It pitilessly
shreds people’s delusions that the government gives a rat’s arse what they
think and shoves the pieces down their throats till they choke. It’s been helping us mostly with photocopying.
So, as you can see, there’s lots going on, and we haven’t
even mentioned the wheelbarrows of cash we’ll be taking round to the Electoral
Commission to stop them moaning.
Keep sending in those untraceable donations, and let’s make
this summer a Festerval of Dependence!
Yours self-servingly,
'Malky'
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